An anthem for just a day? or a desire rooted in strained faith for a Life?

In a world with a multitude of people, a myriad of belief systems, innumerable desires and dreams, the challenge to escape the thick fog clouding our sight, to exit the muck our feet are stuck in, to ignore the noise overwhelming our thoughts, and the chains that bind our human actions, can be a difficult road to travel.

Like disobedient children who want what they want, even though they know its wrong, but also want to please their parents, we are stuck.  How to break ourselves of this human condition.  Paul puts it quite nicely...

"What I do, I do not understand.  For I do not do what I want, but I do what I hate.
Now if I do what I do not want, I concur that the law is good.
So no it is no longer I who do it, but the sin that dwells in me."  Romans 7:15-17

Such a damnable struggle to take that hope, faith, and desire from a win for a Day, to a Victory for a life..  (Thanks Chris.. keep those reminders coming..)

Inspirational Video of the day...

Wow.. Just flat out wow....





Lauren Daigle - How Can It Be (Lyric Video)

Why it was Important for me to do a n*ude self portrait

Last weekend, I open my sketch book, took a deep breath, and started sketching a n*ude self portrait. I have felt that i needed to do this for probably the last year and a half, but every time the thought came into my head, I quickly buried it away. You see, as it is for me, it takes a SHIT load of self love to draw yourself the way you would draw a beautiful sunset or flowers popping through the grass in spring. And more-so beyond just a face portrait, but a full body portrait, staring and examining every nook and cranny of my 41 year old figure along the way took more moxie than I dare imagine. A year and a half ago, I hated to see myself in photos. Then with the support of my friends on a FB group specifically geared towards improving how you view and love yourself, I started taking the obligatory "selfies" every Monday, at first, not allowing comments, then gaining confidence to allow others to comment. I worked my way up to take some personal and very private photos. I have to admit, I was shocked at what I saw in them. Apparently, I had been so busy hating myself that I neglected to notice what my body really looked like. I was surprised that the thighs I had looked down on as being wide and pudgy were actually long and lean in the photos from all the biking I had done, and that little stomach pouch that hangs over my pants when I slouch at work wasn't even noticable when I saw the lines that defined my abs. It was almost an out of body experience, like looking at someone else's photos, not your own. And there I stalled. Drawing everything from mushrooms to crickets playing banjos, but not a self portrait, though the idea was in the back of my mind all the while. I should note, that I am not an artist by any means, a novice at best, so there was that intimidation factor of drawing ANY human body, but for some reason, last Friday was the day and I started drawing. Thank God my reference photo cut off the feet because the hands almost killed me (clearly need some lessons here). I finished the drawing on Sunday and while I can beat the flaws to death, I love the overall drawing. It is certainly more than I ever thought I could accomplish, but more than that, it is a HUGE milestone in my journey of self acceptance. While I was drawing, I was so caught up in the details that the significance of it all didn't hit me until it was complete. I did that, and I did that out of love for myself, and it is amazing! (and clearly I should have started drawing bre*asts long ago because they are fabulously fun to draw!)

Daily Inspiration: With Every Act of Love

Today's dose of in your face, life.  Where were you when it happened today?  Did you see it?  Did you feel it?  Are you still waiting for it? Or did you not notice it, or did you just let it pass you by?

Today, as I left an appointment, I was alone in the car, a song came on the radio that I've often heard the kids singing in the back.  I pictured each of those nuggets singing/swaying in their own special way.  Oblivious to the challenges within the family, within the world.  Listening to the song. Hearing the song.  (At least in that moment).  I got it. I felt it.

As Heaven touches earth
Oh - We bring the Kindom Come
Oh - with every Act of Love

"God put a million, million doors in the world. For his love to walk through."

When I go to sleep tonight, and reflect on my day.  I hope to pat myself on the back because today ...I was a door...

Where were you when it happened today?

Each day.  Catch Life.  Live Life.  Speak Life.

Daily Inspiration: Speak Life

Today's Daily dose of In your face, Blow to the head, drop you to your knees, I can't do, but I'm gonna get up and try again, and again, and again Inspiration.

In Every Encounter
We either Give LIFE
or we Drain it;
There is No Neutral Exchange - Brennan Manning

Today.. I strive to ..SPEAK LIFE..

On being AWESOME and apologizing

Is it the Journey or is it the Destination ?

It started in earnest on July 14th, 2010.   Just under 4 years ago.  A Journey 7080 miles long.  A virtual journey made up of running, biking, and swimming.

3 years and 9 months later.  I have arrived in Kinshasa.

Oh my oh my.  What a journey.   The buildup of our DRC Adoption from 2010 through #3's arrival in our home.  What a journey we've begun and continue on with her in our home.  I am not one to spend to much time thinking about things such as "Woulda.  Coulda.  Shoulda"  Or "if you had to do it all over again...."

No doubt my personal life, married life, and family life would be vastly different if the Journey that brought #3 into our lives and home never happened.  But there is where we are right now.  This is where I am.  In the here and now.  Looking at the present, trying to get to through the present.  To the next hour.  Next Day.  Next week.  Not looking back about decisions and circumstances that culminated in the present day. Not looking to far ahead as to become distracted about the here and now.

How does the saying go.  Yesterday is History.  Tomorrow is a Mystery.  Today is a Gift.

Now now.  put away those snarky thoughts an comments about "returning the Gift".    We may never know learn the reasons for this Gift.  But we can be sure that it was presented to us with Love and Expectations beyond our comprehension.

April 16th, 2014
Where to now?  The Journey to Bogota Colombia begins now.  Where will we be upon completion.  Only the Lord knows.  May our Journey fruitful and purposeful.

The Power of Art

Art is an expression of self in its purest form. When you intertwine an artist's passion to create with your deep personal story the art becomes an inseparable part of you as your body becomes the canvas and your trust in the artist grows exponentially. My journey began with a simple idea. In the beginning I wasn't aware of the profound impact this journey would have on me. How it would bring me back to life during my darkest days. How is would teach me trust. How it would leave me in awe of God's gifts and creation. How it would challenge me to be brave and to be the me I have always seen when I looked in the mirror. To my artist, my dear friend: Thank you for the gift of your incredible and hauntingly beautiful art. I am so blessed beyond words that our paths crossed and am honored, so very honored. If tattoos are truly a window to the soul, my tattoos have captured mine perfectly.

Free

Why spend your life building roadblocks? An extensive laundry list of reasons why you can’t and then not even try? I will scratch, claw, dig and blast through the road blocks that stand in my way. I will not live in the box of your design. Where there is a wall, I will fashion a door, a lock, I will fashion a key, no cage that shall hold me, I shall be free.

The Ying and Yang of Trust and Control

Type A personality is a term tossed around alot. By definition, it probably describes me to a tee with control being at the top of the list. Control and trust go hand in hand in a sick kind of balancing act. The more controlling you are, inherently, the less you trust. I struggle with this daily in my relationship with God. My trust in His will is secure so long as His will aligns with my will. But once it doesn't, my controlling nature takes over and my trust erodes. But that's not how it's suppose to work, is it. So I wonder, is a Type A personality really a personality at all or is it a symptom of someone who has had their trust in others destroyed over the years, and now trust is replaced with mistrust and control takes over. If I look honestly at myself, my trust has been eroded over the years and was completely lost due to the horrific incident between our children last April. When trust is lost, it is hard not to be consumed by control. This has lead me to try and control happenings under our roof, at work, with my husband, with friends, and with my relationship with God. It is depleating and exhausting constantly trying to micromanage everyone in your life. And as such, because I don't really control all those things, when they don't go my way, it makes me furious. A key element of this healing journey I am on needs to be re-building trust in every aspect of my life. So this week I took a huge step towards healing. While I had said, "I trust you" before, what I really meant was "I trust you to a point". I realized the words were empty as my trust was limited by my under lying control of the situation. It took every ounce of BRAVE I had this week to say, "I trust you completely" and mean it. This time it was different and I did trust completely and it feels AWESOME! Now that's something to build on!