Working out the new therapeutic norm and it feels good! After last weekend, a lot of our so called parenting has been up for re-evaluation. Which is hard because after you have been parenting a particular way for 6 years, its not easy to basically flush all that parenting down the toilet and start from scratch. But that is what we did, for the most part, and parenting our kiddos by saying "yes and" instead of our gut reaction of "no" is much like trying to ride a 2 wheeler for the first time, lots of stumbling and mistakes on our part, but luckily, our kiddos have responded well to the new mama and papa and so our stumbling seems to go unnoticed for the most part. The biggest revelation from the weekend came on Saturday night. We attended the weekend because of K and our soon to be Colombian daughter.....or so I thought...but as we continued to listen to the talks on Saturday, there was a growing pit in my stomach...T and I went out to dinner before the social time that night and we started talking, not about K, but about my baby, E2, my sweet perfect little boy. Yah, I would tell myself, he has tantrums, but he's just tired, or not feeling well, but he is so sweet, so attached to us, but I had to finally admit, there was something that nagged at the back of my mind, my mama heart knew it, but I had never said it out loud. He was adopted at 7 months old, I would tell myself, he was so young....We set out that night to talk to the psychotherapist that was running the conference, I ran it around and around in my head, but couldn't put the pieces together, there has to be a trigger, they talked about triggers all day, what could it be, I see the rage, I see how he becomes disconnected, but the trigger....we cornered the therapist, we explained that we had come for our daughter, but the more they talked, the more we thought about our son. I ran through the scenario..."so I told him not to kick his sister and he shuts down, the rage starts and goes on and on, the only trigger in all the instances I can think of is.....me.....". So the therapist looks at me and says "but what he hears when you say that is "I am nothing, I am a worthless piece of shit, I am not worthy of your love". Did anyone else hear that? Yes, that was the sound of my mama heart, being torn into two then shredded through a meat grinder, chewed up, spit on the ground and stomped. I did it, I made him feel like that?? I did, there is no question in my mind, I know it, I can see the look on his face, the pieces finally make sense....I am so sorry, I didn't know....I can't see through the tears as they burn down my cheeks on the way home, the lump in my throat so big I can barely swallow, I feel like I am drowning....deep breath... we are here to learn, to do better, to realize our mistakes and the traumas our children have been through. And so begins our journey into therapeutic parenting with not 1 but 2 of our kiddos. T said E2 packed his sparkly eyes this week, and I have to admit, there was something different about him, like a weight had been lifted off. And this morning, he told me he was mad a K for closing his bedroom door. He had a feeling and was able to express it to me without the rage, without fear of being hurt....with a new found trust that I hope will grow and grow.
