Mercy

Mercy is defined as:
1. A compassionate treatment
2. To be kind and forgiving
3. Something for which to be thankful; a blessing
4. Alleviation of distress; relief

In the past week, I asked for mercy more times than I can remember. An unexpected hiccup in our adoption had my mind in a tailspin. We submitted our I-800, were full of bliss and i was busy preparing a super cool photo album to send to N to introduce us. I was excited about packing and busy nesting when it all came to a screeching halt. My heart was breaking and all I could muster to do was cry out of mercy. To God, to everyone I spoke with, to a homestudy agency that we had volunteered at year after year, hoping, praying that someone would have mercy on us. They didn't know us know us personally, but I thought about the good Samaritan, who came to a stranger's aid just because it was the right thing to do. After numerous dead ends, we got a return call from a new homestudy agency over the weekend that was recommended by a friend. I knew right away upon speaking with them, that they would do what they could to help. They showed us mercy and I cried, tears of joy this time. We met in person earlier this week and during the meeting, I got a call from T. There was an agreement that had been worked out to continue processing our paperwork! My heart overflowed with the mercy we were given and thankfulness for everyone that was working on our behalf and how God had moved another mountain, once again to bring our daughter home to us. Now...back to nesting!

Shoelace

I was going through an old box. You know the type of box. One with notes, letters, pictures, trinkets collected over the years. Apart of the temporary stun of looking at my college IDs, reading some old greeting cards, I came across an all time favorite poem that I had saved.

Shoelace by Charles Bukowski (1980)
It's not the large things that send a man to the madhouse...
No, it's the continuing series of small
tragedies that send a man to the madhouse.
Not the death of his love,
but a shoelace that snaps with no time left...

Peace

A shout out to my girls...

Just thought of my girls today. J, K, and N. My best gal J, is having a challenging time (see earlier post). My Special K had a really great day yesterday, but can be challenging. My newest gal N, don't know all that see faces day to day (yet), but its not likely all Joy and Peaceful Bliss.

Just a shout out to them.. that I'm always here and I'll do all I can (and more) for all of you..

Sweet Soul Dream - World Party

Sucked in to the Pit

These last two week have been hard. We got some disturbing news from our State regarding the agency we used for our HS. As it turns out, we are going to have to re-do it to meet USCIS requirements. With everything going on, I definitely feel myself being sucked in to a pit of despair. Knowing we are so close to bringing our daughter home and yet, after we climbed the mountain, feeling like we just slide half way back down. Thankfully, T is leading the charge and his "can do" attitude is dragging me out of this pit of self pity I want to stay in. The worst thing about it is that I know God's in charge and this will all work out, but I keep beating myself up about it anyways instead of just trusting in Him. And as I sit here and complain and moan about our little paperwork issue, two of our friends kids are fighting for their lives. So I am asking you to help me today to pray for tiny "C" in Texas, that the antibiotics do their job and clear up her little lungs and for "T", just home from the DRC in May and diagnosed with leukemia. Pray for strength for their families and for healing for their little bodies, that they may grow in Your love and shine as a light of hope for those around them. In Jesus Name. Amen.

Good Things. A Fathers story of Referral

(please press stop/pause on the music player at the bottom, and click play on the youtube video in this post)

Perhaps the most asked question of adoptive parents is "Why". Why Adoption. Why this sex (of a child). Why this age. Why this race. Why this county. Why now (why not wait). Why now (are you ready for this). Why another child (do you have more than you can handle now). Why this special need (are you sure you want to do this, or can handle this). Why this child. Why Not <fill in the blank with some well intentioned but ultimately hurtful alternative suggestion>

Say I can say words only simple
Say I can say words only clear
But oh I can feel your heart is beating near

Good Questions. Difficult answers. Answers that often change over time. Surely the answers J & I provide to some of these have changed since we brought E1 home in 2005.

With the official referral of #4 on Monday, we find ourselves answering these questions again. After Mass this morning, I contemplated the Homily. I thought about the topic of "Love". The unconditional "Love" our Lord has for us. The type of "Love" that St. Paul had to succumb to, to become the "Rock". The type of holistic, agape "Love", which is quite different from the personal "Love" many of us have for each other. The type of "Love" we should strive for, and if we can achieve.. Well. Good Things. Good Things...

Give I can give love and attention
Give I can give all time away
Only to one heart I can give today

During this reflection, I thought of those "Why" questions. I thought of #4. (G as I like to call her sometimes). I thought of what we know, what we learned, and what we can guess about "her story". I thought of K's story. About what she's been through before coming into our family, and what she's been through since. I thought of how (perhaps to often) I treat her unfairly in comparison to the boys. (Note: I am big enough to know and admit to myself though. That I'm human. I'm a work in progress. So I know part of "my story" is to rise above the hurdles and roadblocks that stand in or are put into my path that lead to greater harmony with K. Personally and within the family. She's worth it. Our family, needs it. I need it). I was sad thinking about what our girls had endured. I was saddened by what they might have had to endure had they not come into our family.

Haunted love is all that I feel
When you're passing by
Haunted love is all that I see
It's there in your eyes

Now STOP that thought. I'm not suggesting or insulating that J & I are riding in on some type of White horse to save the day, to rescue them, to be some type of savior or salvation for them. Quite contrary. I am not complete. I am broken. A puzzle with missing pieces. These blessed children of ours, are as much (probably more) a piece of me, as I am to them. They fill holes that I cannot fill. That J cannot fill. They come from God, to help heal whats broken and missing in me. So I will say it again. I am saddened when I think of what they have already endured. I am saddened when I think of what they might have had to endure had they not come into our family.

And I say
No no no don't pass me over
No no no don't pass me by
See I can see good things for you and I
Yeah good things for you

Lets be honest. I don't know where this is all going, or how it will all end up. I know it appears I work to much, and I sleep to little. I know we (as a family) are still working on being a harmonious, loving, caring, family. I know its been less than 1 year since K came home. I don't know if we'll ever rise above an overcome the challenges with K. I don't know if we're ready for or capable of overcoming the challenges we will face with N coming into our family. "And I tell you, ask and you will receive; seek and you will find; Knock and the door will be opened to you. Luke 11:9".

Be I can be man full of color
Be I can be man black or white
Only to one heart I can be tonight

But I can say this. J & I trust each other. We might fight and argue. We might not get out for enough of "us" time. We don't share enough of "ourselves" with and often fall short of looking for support from our family, friends, and WWME community. But we trust each other. Without speaking the words, we know we've got each others backs. We know when its a tough wade through the sludge, the other can pick us up. We trust in our faith. We trust in our Lord. "I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much." -- Mother Teresa. We believe, without doubt, without question, that we are making the right choice. We may not (yet) know how we are going to get through it all, but we know that we will. We may not know what we will look like when we get there, but we know that we will, get there.

The Lord has blessed J and I with an unusual course through Life. A course that has been, and surely will be at times frustrating, confusing, and humbling. But a course that has already yielded indescribable Joy. A course that J and I are ..still.. anxious and excited about. A course that is deeply personal for us, but one that we hope you will share with us. The Lord is at work here. And when the Lord works, Well ...

Good Things
Good Things
Only Good Things
Good Things

Peace

Why do I run?

Its been splattered all over this blog. Heck its in the blogs name. But this video puts it plainly in another context.

Privacy Matters in Adoption

There was a great article posted on Rainbowkids this week that goes into a lot of details about the importance of an adopted child's privacy when it comes to their history and background and how we as adoptive parents need to be mindful of what information we share and when we share it with our child as often times, the child might not remember their history (depending on their age) and it can be very hurtful to find out details of their history from a family member or friend. Having just recieved our Referral, this article is very timely for us given that we now have a document that is about 20 pages in length with a lot of possible information that is really not ours to share, and are in the midst of fielding questions from friends and family that we might not be able to answer to protect our daughter' privacy. I hope you take the time to read it. Here is the link

http://www.rainbowkids.com/ArticleDetails.aspx?id=755

and an excerpt "I suggest that new adoptive parents, including those still in the adoption process, develop for themselves what I call the Privacy Plan. They decide what information is off-limits (e.g. birthparent information, certain details about early living conditions, specific reasons the child was available for adoption) and have a plan for responding to inappropriate questions. For example, when someone asks me what I "know abou" my child's birthmother or for some other information about his personal history, I’ve developed a standard reply: "That’s not my information to share." I try to keep it simple; I say it lightly and move on. People usually get the idea pretty quickly. They don't mean to overstep. Often they've just never thought of it that way before."

Official Referral!!!!

Yesterday, T got "the call" from our agency. They received the official referral from ICBF for our 5 yr old Colombian beauty!!! Last night I spent hours translating the 20 page document that came with the referral (our agency is working on the official translation but we were so excited we didn't want to wait!). I think I got the highlights. We were dissapointed there was not a more recent photo included as the one we have is about a year and a half old...so bummer there. They are going to make another request for one. They will be contacting us today wiht the next steps on how to accept the referral once we get the official translation and complete the I-800. My head is spinning!!! We were expecting to wait a few months for the referral and it came in about 2 weeks! At this rate, we will be off to Colombia before the end of summer! I had hear ICBF prioritizes special needs adoptions, but oh my, we are definately on some sort of fast track right now. In God's time, it is all in God's time. Based on the paperwork, it looks like we are under the Bucharamanga office of ICBF which means we might be staying at some of the same places that another family that just got back stayed. It is so exciting to look at their pictures and think we might be there in just a few months! Yah yah Yah!!!

Sorry, I've got to run...

That sounds like a cool bumper sticker, or the name of a blog. Maybe I'll change the blog title to that. I just sounds cool on a couple of different levels. Speaking of running...

Got out today for 6 miles. I'm ashamed to say its about the 4th time out in months. And it shows! It was a GREAT therapeutic run. It was also a nasty, hot, sweaty run. The kinda run where even after a cold shower, you sweat profusely for about 45 minutes. I was dripping still driving to work. Good think my officemate doesn't come into the office on Tuesdays, else I would have probably needed to bring a 2nd shirt. (ok its not that bad, but I do have some body spray if I start to believe I stink).

Sorry, but I've got to run! Today is a 10.0 on the days per week work load chart.

Therapeutic Who?

Part of the frustration of therapeutic parenting is that so many people just don’t get it. They fail to see that the child’s behaviors are not normal and when they turn the charm on around strangers, the “ohh and ahh” at how friendly and adorable they are begin. The child’s special needs are not visible to the world making it all the more easy to write off those behaviors. I am loving this blog post. How true this is and how much is sounds like our K. http://therapeuticmoments.blogspot.com/2011/04/there-is-nothing-wrong-with-that-child.html. We were at a graduation party last weekend and had not been at a social occasion with our little girl in that type of setting for months. It was agonizing to watch and in the end, we ended up excusing ourselves and heading back to the hotel. I would compare it to watching a train wreck, with me, glued to a lawn chair trying to figure out my next move, but too awestruck with the wreckage that happening in front of me to get off the chair and do something about it and at the time, not knowing what to do. In my mind, all the while, playing back the past months and how we could have progressed so little. As the week rolled on, I thought we were making headway back onto the right path, theraplay on Friday morning with some one on one time and nail polish, then the wreckage….. everything fell apart again at the doctor’s office when I came face to face with not 1 but 2 disregulated 4 yr olds that I might have had a fighting chance with some time-ins had I been able to instantly clone myself right there in the waiting room, but alas, the fiasco ended with 2 raging kids strapped in their car seats and still somehow managing to pinch, scratch and beat the tar out of eachother even though they were barely within eachother’s reach and me crying to T on the phone and trying to figure out how we were all going to limp back home in one piece. The Friday from Hell is an understatement as that was just the begininng. Time-in’s, lost privileges, therapeutic everything, you name it, I tried it, and collapsed on the couch at 10:00 that night only to find out the cat had barfed all over the living room. Saturday was a new day and we all needed some repair time which included the park, hours in the kiddie pool with the kids yelling “I LOVE MY FAMILY” before going down the slide, two picnics and a birthday party (another social situation…). And the clouds parted and the birds sang “Hallelujah!” K hung by me at the party, asked me for food and drinks and wanted ME to hold her not some random stranger (note picture...smiling K looking at me and not interested in random strangers in background!) (Insert shock and awe here). Now I can’t say it was not more exhaustion than attachment, but hey, after this past week, it is the little victories I am hanging onto to charge head on into this week.