Forgiveness - Is it enough?

We were talking the other day about forgiveness and my heart and mind immediately went to thinking of K. It has been a hard few months for the two of us. So much of Colombia with her was about survival for me. It was a difficult situation with all the stressors from our Colombia adoption, to be therapeutic parenting one daughter while trying to bond with the other. Not an ideal situation in the least. And I have probably second guessed my decision to keep K in Colombia the entire time about a million times at this point because I am having trouble seeing what it accomplished. I had the patience of a saint with her for most of the trip, calmly singing to her and talking her off the ledge while she raged, scratched, hit and basically took out her anger and frustration on me. Coming home I just felt I needed a break. I had swallowed everything she had thrown at me and just couldn't take any more. I asked myself again and again, had I forgiven her for trying to make my life a living hell in Colombia and the answer was always yes. Its not like she was doing it on purpose, she has so little control over herself and her emotions that it all just spilled over in fits of rage. Yes, I have forgiven her. But I realized the other night that I needed more than just to forgive her. I had built a wall between us. While I LOVE having my 4 yr old slam her head into my chest hundreds of times while screaming at the top of her lungs so all of Bogota could hear her, I had reached my limit and the thought of doing a time-in with her so she could beat me up again was just something I couldn't even force myself to think about less doing. Forgiveness is one thing, but opening my heart to let her beat the breath out of me is another. Then I realized, she can't heal without my love and I can't love her though this wall. So my only option is to let the wall down and open myself again to love her though the hurt and pain she will try and drag me down with. I stopped the other day and watched her, wandering, expressionless at the Pumpkin Farm while all the other kids laughed and played and for the first time, since we got home, saw the brokeness under the anger and felt the wall between us coming down.