Building

There is just something about building something concrete, something that you can watch take shape, visualize, engineer, and work out details that give me a sense of progress and accomplishment. It has been a long summer with K and the negative energy around this place is palatable. So much so that the other night we went to celebrate the sale of our neighbors house and after few drinks i ended up sobbing all over our poor neighbor, nose running, chest heaving, gasping for breath, yes, it was quite a scene. She said to me that night "You are bigger than K's problems". The moment she said that, I knew that the fact that I saw K's problems as bigger than me, was a huge reason I was so depressed. I felt defeated, out of control in my own home. K's problems had become Goliath, looming over me like a mountain, I woke up everyday expecting the worst, waiting for the horrific behaviors, looking for the other shoe that I expected to drop at any second. I couldn't continue with that mentality, it was tearing me apart. Awhile ago, T and I had talked about building an pergola to make our deck more usable. So after some plans had sat on the counter for a few months, T started making some serious calculations, then he bought some lumber, then he started building and I started measure, and planning and moving CMU blocks for a raised patio for an outdoor firepit. It seems so simple, and some would probably consider it avoidance in not addressing my real feelings about K's issues, but there is something about building something, sweating, sore muscles, hauling heavy blocks and seeing something come together before your eyes that makes me feel strong again, like there isn't anything i can't accomplish if I put my mind to it. I am bigger than her problems. "I a prisoner for the Lord strongly urge you to live in a manner worthy of the calling you have received." Ephesians 4:1