Forgiveness

One of the aldermen I served with on the City Council passed away last week. He wasn't just the alderman I sat next to, he was the person that had served up one of the greatest hurts I have ever experienced in my life. See I was on the Council to serve and improve communication with the people in my ward, but after my tenure began, it quickly became about something else, my background in engineering. I was naïve and thought everyone serving on the Council was doing so to serve the public. I was by no means a politician and spoke the truth to the best of my knowledge which didn't sit well with some. The alderman that passed away said the prayer before each meeting, was a church goer and a long term well respected member of the Council. He was on the opposite side of the issue from me, but I respected his position on the matter and his passion until he crossed the line. Working with a local advocacy group, he helped stuff flyers in all the local papers accusing me of taking the position I had in the matter because I was trying to solicit work for my boss’s engineering company. I will never forget the day I had to walk into my boss’s office, the boss that had built his company through sweat and tears, whom I had told my position on the Council would not impact his company and tell him about the flyer. I had about ever emotion a person could have felt running through my body at that moment, I was furious that the group would stoop so low and resort to personal attacks when they started losing ground, I was terrified my boss would fire me for the fact his company was dragged through the mud for no good reason, I was so hurt that the person sitting right next to me, the one who prayed to God before each meeting who had pulled out a giant knife and stabbed me in the back just to push his agenda. I went home and called him, I could barely get the words out between my gasps for air as the tears poured down my face. I don’t remember much of the conversation, other than asking again and again how he could have done such a horrible thing. The jist of his response…all is fair in Love and War right? With the Council meeting looming, I needed to response publicly which was going to be a feat as I could barely get two words out before breaking into tears. But I also needed to respond to him. I prayed about it and I realized how heavy and burdensome my hurt was, that it would be an incredible load on me to carry such a depth of anger and resentment. But in order not to carry it with me, I would have to forgive the alderman that had been a part of it, which seemed like a monumental task in itself. I prayed more and before the meeting, that night, I bought a blank card from the store and wrote inside “I forgive you”. It was like a weight was lifted off my chest. Even if he never acknowledged getting the card, I had given my forgiveness to him with my heart and soul. Before the meeting, he sat down and turned to me. Tears were swelling in his eyes and he said “I didn’t think you were ever going to speak to me again, but you did more than that, you forgave me”. Driving to his wake, the hurt stirred in me again as I remembered the crushing pain of it all. Then I remembered what Jesus said, “Not seven times but seventy seven times”. I forgive you and I pray you will rest in peace.

10 Prayers God ALWAYS Answers

I was intrigued at our Adoration Chapel last night by a new book in the pew in front of me. The title was “10 Prayers God Always Answers”. I was skeptical. Of course God’s will is not our will and so many of our prayers ask for something that might not fit into God’s bigger picture for us. It was split by Chapters and the first was a prayer to know God exists. I figured I would skip that one seeing as I didn't need any convincing on that front. The next Chapter was on asking God to make you his instrument and allowing his will to be done through you by coming to the aid of someone. The chapter talked about if someone is to pray this prayer, God will immediately respond and put someone at your doorstep who is in need. It also talked about if you had any doubt that God exists as in Chapter 1, that would be erased from your mind by praying for God to use you as an instrument to help someone. I am pretty sure my thought process on this went something like: “yah right, like all I need to say is “God, use me as an instrument to help someone else” and some homeless person is going to show up on my doorstep”. A few min’s later, the next parishioner entered the chapel and my hour was up. I have a wicked cold and had accumulated a big o’ disgusting pile of Kleenex in the short span of 1 hour next to me. As there is no garbage in the chapel, I gathered them up to throw them away in the bathroom just outside the Chapel door. When I opened the door, I was shocked to see a purse and a pair of shoes next to the door, as I opened the door further, I could see the figure of a small woman asleep under a blanket on the floor. At first I thought my eyes were deceiving me. They weren't. As we found out, the woman was lost, she didn't know her name, had been wandering through the cold in worn black flats, nylons, a skirt and light coat on this frigid night. She only stood about 5’ tall and probably weighted only 90 lbs. She said she was looking for an open door and when she came into the Chapel, she went into the bathroom and collapsed from exhausting. Had the door to the chapel not been open earlier in the night, she likely would have froze to death by morning. God opened the door for her and I pray the people that He put in her path last night will help her find peace and security. My heart is absolutely broken for her, is she someone’s mother, someone’s grandma? I am hopeful that she was lost, but now is found and I was blessed to be witness to it.

Silence Speaks ...

I just got off my bike trainer in the basement after a 20mile ride.  It felt good.  So did yesterday's ride.  I don't hold the illusion that I'll bike 20 miles a day, everyday, but its a start. Just like the New Year is a new start.
We can keep on, keeping on.  Or we can start a new.  Behaviors are a rut, easy to slip back into, an they can be monstrously difficult to get out of.  That holds true for kids and their physical and emotional behaviors (so we've learned).  That holds true for older kids like me.  I've gotten away from exercising as often as I would like to.  As often as I need to.  I've gotten away from being the Clown.  You know every parent is either the Clown or the Policeman, or something like that.  I never really like the Muppet's, but sometime I feel like one of those crotchety old men that were movie critiques or something.  The fun is in there.  I need to figure out the right rut to slip back into groove.  I'll happen.  Maybe I just need to get more sleep.  Its a toss up.  Me time.  or Sleep.  Surprisingly difficult to balance in a house with 6.

Had a routine checkup today.  For nothing special, and nothing special came out of it.  That is except apparently the scale as the Doctors office is clearly faulty.   Probably about 10lbs faulty. So the time on the bike trainer will help that.  The weekend runs with the "men's group" will help that also.

I read something on just recently about the phrase "Silence Speaks Volumes".  What I read was that, usually silence is the result of having so much to say, that you can't put it all together to simply express what you are feeling.  Silence expresses emotion properly, whereas words and more words really just get in the way and cloud up the real emotions. So to that end...

Peace