Why it was Important for me to do a n*ude self portrait

Last weekend, I open my sketch book, took a deep breath, and started sketching a n*ude self portrait. I have felt that i needed to do this for probably the last year and a half, but every time the thought came into my head, I quickly buried it away. You see, as it is for me, it takes a SHIT load of self love to draw yourself the way you would draw a beautiful sunset or flowers popping through the grass in spring. And more-so beyond just a face portrait, but a full body portrait, staring and examining every nook and cranny of my 41 year old figure along the way took more moxie than I dare imagine. A year and a half ago, I hated to see myself in photos. Then with the support of my friends on a FB group specifically geared towards improving how you view and love yourself, I started taking the obligatory "selfies" every Monday, at first, not allowing comments, then gaining confidence to allow others to comment. I worked my way up to take some personal and very private photos. I have to admit, I was shocked at what I saw in them. Apparently, I had been so busy hating myself that I neglected to notice what my body really looked like. I was surprised that the thighs I had looked down on as being wide and pudgy were actually long and lean in the photos from all the biking I had done, and that little stomach pouch that hangs over my pants when I slouch at work wasn't even noticable when I saw the lines that defined my abs. It was almost an out of body experience, like looking at someone else's photos, not your own. And there I stalled. Drawing everything from mushrooms to crickets playing banjos, but not a self portrait, though the idea was in the back of my mind all the while. I should note, that I am not an artist by any means, a novice at best, so there was that intimidation factor of drawing ANY human body, but for some reason, last Friday was the day and I started drawing. Thank God my reference photo cut off the feet because the hands almost killed me (clearly need some lessons here). I finished the drawing on Sunday and while I can beat the flaws to death, I love the overall drawing. It is certainly more than I ever thought I could accomplish, but more than that, it is a HUGE milestone in my journey of self acceptance. While I was drawing, I was so caught up in the details that the significance of it all didn't hit me until it was complete. I did that, and I did that out of love for myself, and it is amazing! (and clearly I should have started drawing bre*asts long ago because they are fabulously fun to draw!)

Daily Inspiration: With Every Act of Love

Today's dose of in your face, life.  Where were you when it happened today?  Did you see it?  Did you feel it?  Are you still waiting for it? Or did you not notice it, or did you just let it pass you by?

Today, as I left an appointment, I was alone in the car, a song came on the radio that I've often heard the kids singing in the back.  I pictured each of those nuggets singing/swaying in their own special way.  Oblivious to the challenges within the family, within the world.  Listening to the song. Hearing the song.  (At least in that moment).  I got it. I felt it.

As Heaven touches earth
Oh - We bring the Kindom Come
Oh - with every Act of Love

"God put a million, million doors in the world. For his love to walk through."

When I go to sleep tonight, and reflect on my day.  I hope to pat myself on the back because today ...I was a door...

Where were you when it happened today?

Each day.  Catch Life.  Live Life.  Speak Life.

Daily Inspiration: Speak Life

Today's Daily dose of In your face, Blow to the head, drop you to your knees, I can't do, but I'm gonna get up and try again, and again, and again Inspiration.

In Every Encounter
We either Give LIFE
or we Drain it;
There is No Neutral Exchange - Brennan Manning

Today.. I strive to ..SPEAK LIFE..

On being AWESOME and apologizing

Is it the Journey or is it the Destination ?

It started in earnest on July 14th, 2010.   Just under 4 years ago.  A Journey 7080 miles long.  A virtual journey made up of running, biking, and swimming.

3 years and 9 months later.  I have arrived in Kinshasa.

Oh my oh my.  What a journey.   The buildup of our DRC Adoption from 2010 through #3's arrival in our home.  What a journey we've begun and continue on with her in our home.  I am not one to spend to much time thinking about things such as "Woulda.  Coulda.  Shoulda"  Or "if you had to do it all over again...."

No doubt my personal life, married life, and family life would be vastly different if the Journey that brought #3 into our lives and home never happened.  But there is where we are right now.  This is where I am.  In the here and now.  Looking at the present, trying to get to through the present.  To the next hour.  Next Day.  Next week.  Not looking back about decisions and circumstances that culminated in the present day. Not looking to far ahead as to become distracted about the here and now.

How does the saying go.  Yesterday is History.  Tomorrow is a Mystery.  Today is a Gift.

Now now.  put away those snarky thoughts an comments about "returning the Gift".    We may never know learn the reasons for this Gift.  But we can be sure that it was presented to us with Love and Expectations beyond our comprehension.

April 16th, 2014
Where to now?  The Journey to Bogota Colombia begins now.  Where will we be upon completion.  Only the Lord knows.  May our Journey fruitful and purposeful.

The Power of Art

Art is an expression of self in its purest form. When you intertwine an artist's passion to create with your deep personal story the art becomes an inseparable part of you as your body becomes the canvas and your trust in the artist grows exponentially. My journey began with a simple idea. In the beginning I wasn't aware of the profound impact this journey would have on me. How it would bring me back to life during my darkest days. How is would teach me trust. How it would leave me in awe of God's gifts and creation. How it would challenge me to be brave and to be the me I have always seen when I looked in the mirror. To my artist, my dear friend: Thank you for the gift of your incredible and hauntingly beautiful art. I am so blessed beyond words that our paths crossed and am honored, so very honored. If tattoos are truly a window to the soul, my tattoos have captured mine perfectly.

Free

Why spend your life building roadblocks? An extensive laundry list of reasons why you can’t and then not even try? I will scratch, claw, dig and blast through the road blocks that stand in my way. I will not live in the box of your design. Where there is a wall, I will fashion a door, a lock, I will fashion a key, no cage that shall hold me, I shall be free.

The Ying and Yang of Trust and Control

Type A personality is a term tossed around alot. By definition, it probably describes me to a tee with control being at the top of the list. Control and trust go hand in hand in a sick kind of balancing act. The more controlling you are, inherently, the less you trust. I struggle with this daily in my relationship with God. My trust in His will is secure so long as His will aligns with my will. But once it doesn't, my controlling nature takes over and my trust erodes. But that's not how it's suppose to work, is it. So I wonder, is a Type A personality really a personality at all or is it a symptom of someone who has had their trust in others destroyed over the years, and now trust is replaced with mistrust and control takes over. If I look honestly at myself, my trust has been eroded over the years and was completely lost due to the horrific incident between our children last April. When trust is lost, it is hard not to be consumed by control. This has lead me to try and control happenings under our roof, at work, with my husband, with friends, and with my relationship with God. It is depleating and exhausting constantly trying to micromanage everyone in your life. And as such, because I don't really control all those things, when they don't go my way, it makes me furious. A key element of this healing journey I am on needs to be re-building trust in every aspect of my life. So this week I took a huge step towards healing. While I had said, "I trust you" before, what I really meant was "I trust you to a point". I realized the words were empty as my trust was limited by my under lying control of the situation. It took every ounce of BRAVE I had this week to say, "I trust you completely" and mean it. This time it was different and I did trust completely and it feels AWESOME! Now that's something to build on!

Destination Kinshasa

200 miles to go...

Love Languages

T and I were contemplating what our kids love languages were the other day, jokingly. Admittedly, neither of us have read the book so we were kind of making up our own titles given the fact the only one we really remembered was “acts of service”. We agreed that our one daughter’s love language had to be “stuff” (not the official title, but the best description we could come up with for her obsession with material items). While I pondered this some more, I was reading a blog and this sentence really struck me: “Growing up I wasn’t looking down at the expensive clothes or toys you bought me, I was looking at you, my role model.” We can get so hung up on the material/activity side of things that we forget that WE are the greatest influence on our children. Not what we buy them or how many activities we put them in. So here is the challenge: Hold up a mirror today and ask yourself: how do I portray myself to my kids? What do my kids see? Do I value myself? Do I value my marriage and show them that my marriage is a priority? Is my life in balance between family time, couples time and other activities? Do I take care of myself, have a healthy lifestyle? Am I showing them the value of friendship through the relationships I have? Am I showing them my faith and love of God? Actions speak louder than words and children are keen observers. We are a reflection of what our children will become and how we live our lives is the greatest example we can provide them, far beyond thousands of lectures, material items or sports commitments. Make sure the reflection you see in the mirror is who you want your children to become. When we value and respect ourselves, our children will learn that lesson through our example. And if you don’t like what you see, take the steps to change it. Be Brave and Love yourself!

Vivir mi Vida!

Destination Congo... I can see the river through the forest

Its been a Looooooonnnnnng Journey.  Destination Congo 7080 miles.  And we are rounding the last turn. With close to 40-80 miles per week between running and Bike Trainer.  It could be within two week.  How much has my life changed since "Destination Congo" started.  I could blog on that for a year and not cover everything.  But its been a wild wild wild course of event between that start an now.  Excited to put this chapter to a close.

Cause I'm Only Human......Love me for who I am and not for who I am not

Christina Perri tweets: "everything in this video is on purpose. i wrote it. it tells a story. figure it out. xx" "fact: i like who i am #human". From her mouth to mine, I LIKE WHO I AM!

Stand - Not just one word, but my one word

stand

/stand/

verb
- have or maintain an upright position, supported by one's feet
- rise to one's feet
- remain valid or unaltered
- adopt a particular attitude toward a matter or issue

noun
- an attitude toward a particular issue; a position taken in an argument
- determined effort to resist or fight for something
- an act of holding one's ground against or halting to resist an opposing force

And according to the Good Book
Ephesians 6: 11 - 15

11 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.
12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.
13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.
14 Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness,
15 and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace.

My One Word

Each year my running brothers and I search, contemplate, and pray for a word.  One word.  The word we want to reflect our upcoming year. Not just the current occurrences and activities, but a word that we'll strive to fulfill.  During our annual reflection run on New Years Eve morning, we all share our words.  During the year we do our best to support each other in helping each other to live the Word.  Its not the time and place to describe here, but my word is "Stand"  On the surface a simple word.  But the more you think about it, and the more you know about our family situation and the challenges we face.  The challenges I face.  I think the Lord provided me with the perfect word.  The cheesy way to think of the work might be in the "Chumbawamba" sense.  "I get knocked down.  But I get up again.  You're never going to keep me down"  But my close friend Chris shared the Ephesians verse above, and frankly that just nailed it better than any words I could put to paper.  When 2014 comes to a close, the measure of the year will be the moment I can say.  "As for me and my family...  We Stood"

My motivational theme song to keep me focus during the challenging patches is this wonderfully appropriate song by Kristian Stanfill "The Stand"

betrayed and thanks

Two words you would not expect to see together in the same sentence.   And yet how profound.

...and on the night when he was betrayed, the Lord Jesus took a loaf of bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it...


Surely and example to all.  Amidst all the adversity and hardships we each face,  we can and should find and dwell on the things we should be Thankful for.

Here is a challenge.   For 7 days before you go to sleep, think of 10 things that happened (or didn't happen) that you are thankful for.  And give thanks to him who deserves it.