I have been contemplating posting about my first "official" disturbing experience as the white mother of a black child for a few days, but when I think about what exactly happened that night, I am still perplexed by how a few simple words spoken by a stranger can be so heavily laden with stereotypes. After reading Theola Labbe-DeBose's article in the Washington Post (link in www.antiracistparent.com) and how after being on an alumni panel wearing the Princeton University colors one of the other panelist asked her what school she went to, she writes about the failure to be accepted and compares the recent New Yorker cover of the Obamas which echos this failure.
I was approached by a stranger at a city festival. Hubby and brother E had just headed back to the hot dog stand and I was playing on a blanket with E2 and dancing to the music. After a comment about how beautiful E2 was (yes, I know, he really is) the next thing she said was "Are you a single mother?" Frankly, I have never been asked that in my life. In all the places I have taken E1 to....NEVER. And I would venture a guess that most other parents have never been asked that either. No matter how you slice it, the comment is extremely offensive. Was her presumption that a white woman with a black child means the mother slept around or the black father didn't take responsibility for the child they created? The failure on her part was that she never considered that we might be a family consisting of a mother, a father and 2 lovely boys, black, white or other color. Her comment was formed by her preconceived notion of how a white woman would have a black child.
At this point, you are probably wondering how I responded. Did I punch her in the nose? Ignore it or stand up and be the antiracist parent I claim to be? Well, on many levels, I am disappointed with my response. I basically said "No, hubby and brother went to get a hot dog". Frankly, this was a bit of a cop out. In retrospect, a better response would have been "Why do you ask?" to get to the root of her perceptions and combat those perceptions with facts. In one of my books, racism is compared to a moving sidewalk, even if you are just standing still, you are still moving towards it. You need to actively walk against it. In this case, I was standing still and for that, I am disappointed in myself.
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6 comments:
Jodie:
How strong and loving you are. People don't think how hurtful or ignorant their remarks are. Maybe they are missing God in their lives. We have learned so much Love and Giving from your Family.
Love,
Bonnie, Dave & David :)
Jodie:
It is not necessarily a statement of ignorance or racism. In fact, it may be a statement that reflects the lives of many black children in the United States: nearly 70% of black children are born to single mothers. My question is "What if a black woman would have asked that question?". Is it still ignorant and racist?
Love,
Kevin
Just a clarification, and I will throw out a question for discussion... my post does not state whether the woman that approached me was black or white nor does it state that her question was ignorant. Question: Would it matter if she was black or white? Second Question: Is it ever ok to stereotype people even if you have a 70% statistic to back you up?
Jodie, Ted,
If my post was offensive by any means, I am sorry. I truly admire what both of you, Jodie and Ted, have done and the sacrifices you are willing to make for a better world and family.
As a pragmatist, I realize the complications in stereotyping and racism. I am also mindful that this woman, black or white, may simply be an innocent person (as partially evidenced by her initial comment) trying to start a conversation. By using "statistics", I was attempting to point out that this stereotype is not necessarily unfounded.
You are obviously a nut and a very disturbed person
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