Change I Control vs Change Out of Control

I was quite proud of myself as my 2009 resolution was to embark on some massive changes in the "business as usual" trap we all tend to find ourselves in once our routines are established. I marked this new way of thinking by changing grocery stores which resulted in a significant reduction in my weekly grocery bill, rethinking some of the house work and what was important, and breaking ties with all my "extra" curricular activities that were occupying much of my "free" time with little or no reward. Mid 2009, I was relishing in my success and the positive changes that I had made when it seemed the ball I had started rolling down the hill had taken off on its own. While I had made controlled decisions in the changes I made during the first part of the year, changes clearly out of my control began to snowball. Though some of the changes were seemingly small, they all managed to shake the little biosphere where I live my day to day life and combined have really pulled the rug out from under me. Neighbors we have know for 10 years moving, both our priests leaving, realizing that my age and lack of exercise is really creeping up on me, being rear ended, re-defining an assistance schedule that would have helped countless people, loosing a work associate that I relied heavily upon, redefining seemingly stable relationships. Even something as simple as a camping trip seems born of chaos and out of my control at this point. My capacity for embracing change has really reached its limit. Change, whether by my initiation or out of my control has touched every facet of my life at this point. Looking ahead, it looks to me that this change is marking more of the beginning than an end.

Forgivness

I have been thinking a lot about what forgiveness means to me lately and found this interesting post by Jake Lawson on Livestrong.com, you can read the rest of Jake's post on Livestrong.

What is forgiving and forgetting in a relationship?
1. Forgiving is allowing another person to be human for faults, mistakes or misdeeds. Forgetting is putting these behind you; they are no longer brought up and no longer remain a barrier to your relationship.
2. Forgiving is letting another know that there is no grudge, hard feelings or animosity for any wrongdoing. Forgetting is the lack of further discussion, with no ongoing negative references to the event.
3. Forgiving is letting the other person know that you accept as genuine the remorse and sorrow for actions or words that hurt or disappointed you. Forgetting is promising that this deed, whether of omission or commission, will not be brought up again.
4. Forgiving is accepting the sincerity of penance, sorrow and regret expressed over a grievous personal offense; making it sufficient to clear the air. Forgetting is your commitment to let go of anger, hurt and pain over this offense.
5. Forgiving is giving a sign that a person's explanation or acceptance of blame for a destructive, hurtful or painful act is fully accepted. Forgetting is the development of a plan of action between the two of you to heal the scars resulting from the behavior.
6. Forgiving is the highest form of human behavior that can be shown to another person. It means being vulnerable to being hurt or offended in the future, yet setting aside this in order to reopen and heal the channels of communication. Forgetting is is also a noble human behavior; it is letting go of the need to seek revenge for past offenses.
7. Forgiving is the act of love between you and a person who has hurt you; the bandage that holds the wound together long enough to heal. Forgetting is also an act of love; in rehabilitation therapy, helping the wounded return to a full and functional life.
8. Forgiving is the God-like gift of spiritually connecting with others, touching their hearts to calm the fear of rejection, quiet the sense of failure and lighten the burden of guilt. Forgetting is the God-like gift of spiritually touching others' hearts with the reassurance of a happy and full life with no fear of recrimination.
9. Forgiving is the act of letting go of temporary ill will, disappointment or the disgust that arises from the break in your relationship. Forgetting is bridging this gap in the relationship, eventually strengthening it against such a break in the future.
10. Forgiving is an act of compassion, humanity and gentleness by which you let another know that he is indeed a child of the universe upon whom a variety of graces and blessings have been showered and that current or past offenses need not be a barrier to goodness. Forgetting is the act of encouragement, support and reinforcement by which you assist the other person to rebuild, reconnect and re-establish a loving, caring, healthy relationship with you and the world.

While I like to imagine I live by these rules, that is probably not the case in all instances. When I look back at one of the deepest hurts in my life that involved the publishing of an untrue story about my ethics in the local newspaper by a fellow associate, I reacted with a deep hurt and anger. In the end, I chose to forgive the person. In doing so, it was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. At that point, it became clear the burden that a situation like that could have become on me. As our AWESOME new priest quotes a Nigerian saying "If you hold someone to the ground, you are holding yourself to the ground". If you do not truly forgive someone, you carry that burden with you just as they do.

Return of the Silent Blogger

"The essence of passion is an engagement and willingness to change. There is little honor in holding back, limiting participation, accepting mediocrity, and finding comfort in the status quo. With passion, we engage our soul and our being in this work, along with our mind and our body. With passion, we reclaim our hope and belief in the possibility of a future devoid of racial injustice–a future governed by equity and anti-racism. With passion, we survive the conflict, the lack of support, and the passive resistance that comes with challenging institutionalized racism in our schools. And with passion, we will have the strength not only to stand up for what is right for our children, but to what is right for them as well."–Singleton and Linton, Courageous Conversations about Race.

I thought this was a fitting quote (borrowed from one of my other blogger friend's posts) to begin my return to the world of bloggers. Over the past several months, I have hid with my pen and paper-blog taken confort in the fact that I alone would be the only reader and I alone would be the one to express opinions on what I wrote until I realized that does nothing in the grand scheme of things.

I liken my attempts at anti-racism to a toddler trying to ride a two wheel bike, unsteady, unsure and prone to a few disasterous crashes. I readily admit that I have and will continue to make mistakes. But at the same time, I will continue to learn and with each attempt, become better at expressing myself and my thoughts on racial related topics. I agree with the quote above in that there is little honor in accepting status quo and would certainly be disappointed in myself if I started to choose to say nothing rather than attempting something.

Just a day at the beach..

The day started off, wicked humid, dripping, soaking after about 10 minutes of running humid. Trying to get back on track with a few weeks of lost training, I went out for a slow, controlled 13.1 miles. It took me quite awhile with the humidity, and a number of walking breaks. It felt good to get done though. What better way (following an ice bath of course), to finish off the day than a day at the beach with the family.

We headed a bit south to hang out with our Guatemala family friends. The weather was nice. We water was refreshing. E1 and E2 had a blast. So much so they wiped themselves out. Both were asleep within minutes of heading home.

I hope you all had a great day. Our prayers are with you..
Peace

Time flies

Wow.. time flies.. whether you are having fun or not having fun. As I'm engulfed in another late night work session, it dawned on my that just about everything has preoccupied my time to such an extend that I've forgotten about the blog all together.

What new? Some interesting family discussions between J and I. But nothing to share here. Ha! Its been wicked hot, and without AC in the hot, tempers have been a bit short in everyone (including the kids). I've been getting about 3-4 hours of sleep regularly during the week. Just not enough time to clear the work plate during the daylight hours. I did have a short break and helped make and serve food for the Knight of Columbus as Swedish Days.

Exercise is been a disappointment. With such little sleep, I've been dragging a bit and the running/swimming/biking have gone by the wayside. As a result of that, late night snacking, I've managed, unfortunately, to add more than a few pounds. So today, July 8Th, I'm gonna try and break some of those cycles and work in some more exercise, and move towards some better eating.

Beyond that.. things a good. The family is still adjusting to the lose of BOTH the Priests at our church. They were E1's favorites. So we'll have to get use to the two new guys (so new, don't know both their names)

Hope your summer is going well. God Bless..