Ambition

Societal ambition is something that is beaten into the core of our existence all our lives.  Keeping up with Jones's, climbing the corporate ladder, breaking the glass ceiling.  The media barrages us with bigger, better, newer and more advanced options for technology and things you just NEED to have, all of which require more green which drives the cycle:, climb the corporate ladder, make more green, get more STUFF.  The more I surround myself with people who see their salary as simply a means to an end, in other words, I work to provide for my family and meet their basic needs, the more I see the bigger picture and how society's message drives us away from God.  It became a turning point in my mentality when we realized our ambition for our special needs daughter was not for her to become a doctor, CEO or lawyer, but to have meaningful relationships in her life.   Richard Sterns, President of World Vision writes in his book "The Hole in our Gospel" how he found himself constantly falling into CEO positions, being at the right place at the right time.  In his case, God had a bigger plan for him, all that experience became the roadmap God had laid for him and he ultimately accepted the position at World Vision at a lower salary than he had been making and after turning down what society would have called the job offer of a lifetime.  While it would be A to the Awesome if God's roadmap for my life included being Richard Sterns successor, i am pretty sure it doesn't.  What I do know is that God has put some pretty amazing people in my path recently and the more I hear stories about people turning down promotions, forgoing lives unecessary luxuries and choosing to put family time and serving the Lord first in their lives, the more I am inspired and the more I realize where my true ambition lies.

First Father / Son race?

E1 is pretty fast.  Likes to challenge his old man in short little courses in the backyard.  I'm more like lumbering bull.  I need space to gain momentum and speed.  I'm no match for his speedy chipmunk legs and agility.   The day is coming very soon when he'll take me in the sprints. Then again, I never was really that fast (..cough.. excuse   ..cough..)

There's a potential that we'll enter him, or we'll both run in a 1mile youth race.  Timing chips and all. He's not run that far before, but after Mama brought it up, he seemed excited about it.  Of course E2 was also, and he's fast also, but this is not his time.  His time is coming.

Stay tuned ..

Freedom.. the two wheeled kind

After much coaxing and build-up I talked E1 into trying to ride a bike again.  (Earlier blog post). On Sunday we broke through the apprehension and decided to try and go around the block twice.  Prior to going I was telling E1 how "close" I thought he was to getting it.  I said I bet in  25 trips around the block he'd have it down.

We set off.  I ran beside him and steadied him.  Down the hill on the street he did well. I could see the uncertainty in his eyes and the tightness in his arms/hands.  Up the inclines gave him some trouble.  But all in all after the 1st lap I told E1 I was wrong.  He'd have it down in 10 laps. We did 1 more lap and called it good for the day.

Monday comes and I load up the bikes for all 4 and head to a park with a large, flat lot. I unload E1's bike first.  He' steadies himself on the care then OFF he goes like he's been riding for years.    As mentioned in the earlier post, he's beaming.   The rest of the week he rides a bit on the driveway and the front lawn.  Until today.

Today I asked if he wanted to hit the street again.   He's out the door before I can even catch my breath. 
FIVE MILES later we call it a day.  F I V E  M I L E S!!   How proud I am of him.  I took him on a route with some hills to build some strength.  On one of the hilly laps I heard him whispering to himself "you can do it"  and he did.  Sometimes I wonder about E1's confidence.  Not today.  Not this week.  This newfound freedom of his has his confidence cups overflowing.   What an awesome thing to watch...

Way to go E!

Boo boo regret

There has been a lot of talk around town recently about boo boos (thats what the kids call them, but if you prefer, ta-tas, the girls, whatever floats your boat).  First the magazine cover that had mom in heels nursing her older son, then hearing another adoptive mom who just gave birth to a biologial child who is now nursing both, then chatter at work with a new grandma about her daughter's first nursing experience, then my cousin's wife enduring breast cancer.  So needless to say, the boo boos have been on my mind a lot lately and I think I am having a moment of boo boo regret.  God obviously gave women them to nurse and closely bond with their children, not as the sexualized object they have become.  I had heard stories about adoptive mothers breastfeeding their adopted children, but always assumed they had a biological child that started the process or had taken a bunch of hormone messing drugs to produce milk which I was unwilling to do.  As it turns out, a woman's body is AMAZING, and without pregnancy, can actually induce lactation using a pump or just by the principal of supply and demand!  Holy crap!  Why didn't someone tell me this earlier?  While i don't ever imagine myself mourning never being pregnant, I do mourn not being able to nurse my boys.  I think there would have been an initial leap of faith phase (especially as I imagine if hubby had walked into the room the reaction would have probably been, "ahh, what are you DOING!!"), but after that leap, it would have been natural.  I would be lying if I said I never thought about it when they were snuggle up close, but I always dismissed that instinct and told myself, "no, I can't do that...." thinking, would they be frustrated if nothing came out and just push away (ah rejection)? could they hurt me (self preservation)?  Either way, I never made that leap and the ship has sailed....sigh   

A Father / Son chest thump ...

I think I just had a moment. Not a moment like my oldest just lost his first tooth. Or that our newest now wears glasses. Not a moment like the personal satisfaction of completing a marathon.  Not the same as those, but a moment no doubt.

Yesterday E1 broke through the uncertainty, doubt, and fear and became a bicycling road warrior!  

I feel like pulling a Tim Allen and doing a caveman grunt and chest thump.  And you know what. I think E1 felt like doing one also.

Atta boy!!!!

Neuro Reorg Week 3

I have to say one of the most gratifying comments we have recieved in the past few weeks was from our amazing Early Childhood Teacher who I gave a copy of our first NR post to.  She simply said, "we always suspected K operated in fight or flight mood most of the time".  When T&I started the NR road, we were convinced in our own minds this path was really what K needed.  To hear from our Early Childhood Teacher that feedback from our NR practicioner fell directly in line with their assessment felt really really good.  I ask myself about 1000 times a day if we are doing what is right for K, and not being in the mental health profession, it is hard deciphering between all the therapies that are out there.  To get a confirmation from someone that knows our daughter and has worked with her daily over the past school year, that we are on the right path really put my mind at peace.  It is a long and difficult path, however.  I was at a trauma mama meeting the other night and I mentioned that we are doing NR with K and the therapy is about 2 hours a day.  Another mama asked, with 4 kiddos, how we found 2 hours a day to do the therapy?  Without hesitation, I answered, "What other choice do we have, other than to find the time?  This will affect the rest of her life if we don't address the foundation issues she has in her brain, we have to make the time".  I just pray God will give us the strength and patience to get through it.  I had an opportunity to discuss this with our fantastic summer tutor A this week as well in addition to providing her with a little background on NR, because I havn't dumped enough info on her yet LOL!  (who knew our kids came with so many instructions!).  Thinking of having a little sign made up for our front door "Please excuse our mess.  Brain Rescrambling in Progress"

From the Land of the Weird

We are starting to notice a few strange things going on with K as we continue on our NR journey.  One of the weirder things is one of the exercises meant to help her two sides of the brain talk better.  As we pass through the midline, she starts blinking quickly or does strange movements with her mouth.  A few of the other families are having similar reactions, so it doesn't seem all that unusual, but it is definately weird to watch.  The professionals are saying that it is a sign that the two hemipheres of the brain are not fulling intigrated or connected when this is happening.  The creeping has been 25 min's a day of pure torture, she hates it and fights it every min.  When we read that some families have been doing creepings for 6 months it is pretty depressing and the constant battle of the wills over the creeping time is exhausting.  There are times when it appears to be getting better and more fluid, but then it goes right back to an uncoordinated mess.  Her moods also seem all over the place, like the filter has been removed and she is just exploding emotion she has little control over at everything.  Again, this seems to be pretty common with other families in that you take one step back before moving forward.  She was trying to hurt sister this weekend, so I was keeping her close and it just spiralled out of control ugly really fast as she tried to manipulate me into letting her go over by sis by telling me she was fine, but then would grab for sister the second I moved.  She went from cackling to crying to screaming to laughing, it was like emotion soup in her head.  I ended up taking her inside and she just sobbed and sobbed as i rocked her.  wow!  It was a lot to take in but I was able to employ the "C" for curiosity and the "E" for empathy at least.  For now, just hanging in there and trudging slowly ahead...we hope.... 

Weekend Came and Went

The first weekend with the new neuro reorg went well.  I think we got in the majority of the goals and actually did the poses twice yesterday (120 repetitions each for 3 positions), which was the first time since we started.  We are getting more efficient and K is starting to learn what she needs to do to get it done.  T noticed that she is blinking excessivly when she is doing them, so we arn't sure if it is dust or something (because we are on the floor), or if there is actually something triggering in her brain.  The creeping is still HARD.  We are finding less and less to motivate her enough to do the creeping and she doesn't seem to be getting any more efficient at it and until she does, the 25 min goal will remain.  She has a goal of 5 min's of crawling, but when you do let her crawl, its like you open the gate and then she won't creep anymore or cheats the creep as a crawl.  Her behavior in general is still off, from what it has been over the last few months and I'm not really sure why.  A lot of defiance and moaning about things that would seem pretty minor to the rest of us.  The big trigger this weekend was over chapstick.  N and I returned from the store and we didn't even get out of the garage before K was screaming at both of us for not getting her some chapstick too at the store.  I waited for her to calm down and asked her if she thought I would get N chapstick without getting her one? No, she replied, I asked her if she thought i might have one in my bag for her? Yes, she replied, I then asked her if she made a good choice by screaming at us like that?  No she said as her face sunk.  It took her the better part of a day, asking constantly about it, trying to manipulate, to earn it by making better choices.  In the end, I think it was one of the more effective logical consequences we have done.  She clearly understood that her approach to the situation had caused her not to get something she really really wanted and as hard as she tried, she couldn't blame me or her sister for it.   I could see the wheels spinning though... I had not forgotten about her..... I had not bought her sister something without getting something for her too, oh what to do!  She was perplexed, truely perplexed, it was interesting to observe how she tired to wrap her head around what happened then tried to repair what she had done.  Sunday Religous Education class brought another challenge, she had been doing well all year because the class is short and there are usually lots of fun crafty projects like she really enjoys, but last week she was sent out of class for putting her hands on the other kids during story time and not listening to the teacher, well, she got to sit out front with one on one attention which is great if you are trying to reward bad choices.  So we had a talk this week with the teacher, and even though it was the last week, we wanted to prevent any additional rewarding of bad choices.  We set up for them to come and get us if need be and explained the importance of ignoring behaviors so they arn't reinforced, but they were in big group with a lot of activities and it ended with no drama.  Big ENT appointment this week for K's surgery, so lots on the horizon!

Neuro Reorg Day 3

Oh man, exhausted doesn't describe it.  Our routines have been flipped on their head as we try and squeeze as much of our daily neuro reorg stuff into an already packed schedule.  Weekday morning are tough to incorporate anything into except a few mins of the 25 min goal of creeping each day.  I have forgot more things in the last three days than in the last month!  While we accounted for the fact that we had about 2 hours at night to do the exercises, what we didn't account for was the fact that K's endurance is terrible in everyday activities and trying to get her to do 25 min's of stomach crawling is really really exhausting for her, especially since her creep is a mess.  Surprising, as we have gone through the exercises, we were convinced, because the boys went through many of the milestones with us that they would rock the creeping work, or NOT!  We knew N didn't walk until she was almost 2, which made us feel that she might benefit from some of the exercises, or NOT!  Surprise again, she floated across the floor like she had wheels under her!  My jaw dropped and she was lightning fast, it was awesome to watch, her run is awkward to say the least, but it is good to know that she has a good foundation to work form.   Heading into the weekend will be interesting.  Friday is normally a sit back and relax night, but again, it was neuro reorg from dinner to bed.  We will see how proactive we will be this weekend at trying to stretch things out over the entire day and not wait until evening to get everything accomplished.  No rest for the weary! 

Neuro Reorganization Day 1

We had our much anticipated meeting for K's neuro reorg today.  The appointment was close to 3 hours long and I am kind of feeling like my brain is melting.  There is a lot to remember.  The long and short of it is that K's  lower brain is not functioning as it should, so like a building with a poor foundation, we can keep trying to build on it, but if we don't fix the foundation, everything will remain shaky.  Importantly, it came out that our NR will let us know when the appropriate time to start therapy with her will be.  Right now because of K's processing skills, there wouldn't be anything to gain from therapy.  We need to fix the foundation first.  One of the key things we learned is that K didn't have the foundations in utero or in her first months after birth that she should have.  This is reflected in birth reflexes that she is still retaining.  These should have been lost within a few months of birth, but she still shows at least 4 of these reflexes.   On the next level of her brain which is the PONS, 1-4 months old, is key to deep emotion, fight or flight, feeling safe and secure.  It is likely that she didn't develop the PONS level correctly, so to her, the world is not a safe place and she stays in that fight or flight mode constantly.  This reflects also in her eye contact, her horizontal and vertical eye tracking skips and she can not converge on an object, but instead diverges, this is part of her hypervigilance as she has issues paying attention because she is always distracted looking for potential threats.  Another major connection is her inability to sense pain, overreacting to some and underreacting to other, this pain center also ties to empathy, if she can't sense pain in herself, she can not feel empathy for others or make the emotional connections.  On of the other exercises shows she is hardwired to the flight or flight reaction when placed under any stress.  Her brain reverts to the PONS level and she shuts down.  Our NR also ID'ed quite a few midbrain issues as well.  For now, we are going to be working on the PONS level as that will likely cause some of the midbrain issues that she saw to fall into place.  Based on the evaluation, the issue we rated highest she is having, and the plan for rebulding the basics, she developed a series of daily activities we will be working with K on.  They are quite extensive and there is a learning curve involved, but so far, K was pretty cooperative.  Our follow up is in 3 months, so hopefully we will make some good progress over the summer with her home with us 4 day a week.  Time for some rest and tomorrow, trying to incorporate some NR into our morning routine