Random Thoughts on this Monday

Another blogger posted the following quote "If our poor die of hunger, it is not because God does not care for them. Rather, it is because neither you nor I are generous enough. It is because we are not instruments of love in the hands of God. We do not recognize Christ when, once again, He appears to us in the hungry man, in the lonely woman, in the child who is looking for a place to get warm." Mother Teresa. I think I have expressed in the past, and my friend at work makes it a point to me quite often how in the best of times, I rejoice in the Lord, but as stumbling blocks cross my path, I am the first to get angry and frustrated and forget that God has a plan for me and my family in all of this. In all my distress when K came home, this time around, I never lost sight of the fact that I could see this child was meant to be my daughter and that it would all work out, given time. This is pretty rare for me, that is, to see through the chaos and rationalize with myself that God has a plan for this little girl in our life. I never doubted for on second and I know today, that it was true all along. We began this journey to K in December of last year looking at the photos of 3 siblings from the DRC, while God lead us to the DRC, it wasn't those 3 siblings he was leading us to, it was K, he pointed, we followed, blindly (for the most part), and here we are with a beautiful daughter. At this point, one (and the one being me) would rationalize that blindly following God has been pretty good to us. That is we have 3 of the most amazing kids in the world! (I say world, because they are from all over the world, so of course that is a valid statement LOL!), I have a job that allows me to help people and we are blessed with family, friends and neighbors. What I find interesting in all this is that the more I relate my journey to God's will in my life, family and work, the more people come out of the woodwork and try and talk me out of it, by either rationalizing things away or developing their own theories on why something is the way it is. Where is this coming from I wonder? Does it make them uncomfortable that I profess the will of God in my life? Does it make them even more uncomfortable that I trust the will of God in my life? Is it a control issue? Or are they questioning their own faith and by doing so, question mine? To which I say, Lord, give me the blindfold, I am ready to follow you where ever you lead me.

The Return of Sanity

What a difference a few weeks makes! I was at adoration last night and journaling about my present state of mind and realized that the word that came to mind was "quiet". That is pretty extraordinary in all the chaos and high blood pressure over the past few weeks. We had dinner at a restaurant last night with all three kiddos and apart from one "get back in your chair" episode, it turned out to be a very nice meal and we were all able to relax and enjoy eachother's company. Amazingly, there wasn't even alcohol involved. K and I have been having more and more fun and bonding on our days together. I have to admit it, I was skeptical when our social worker told me to "just push through it". To which I asked her what that meant after I had just admitting to her that our time together infuriated me and was not helping the bonding process. She said I needed to keep at it, setting aside time just for the two of us. Instead of dreading a full day with just K, I found myself looking forward to it this week. We didn't do anything amazingly exciting like the past weeks when we went to the Children's Museum, we just hung out, did some errands together and took a long walk chatting and kicking leaves up as we went. It felt normal for the first time in about 6 weeks. Normal, there world I said it, we have returned to NORMAL! (for now at least!)
The craziest thing I have noticed that with the 3 kiddos, we seem to be somehow finding quality time alone with each of them, more so than with just the 2. Maybe we are doing with more intent now or I am just noticing it more, but it is really nice to have the one on one time. Last weekend E2 woke up at 6:15 and it was clear he was ready to start the day, not spend any more cuddling time. So we snuck out of the bedroom to the basement where we had a fun breakfast together while the rest of the crew slept in. Certainly could have used an extra half an hour of sleep, but afterwards, realized how great it was to just spend some time with E2. Now if we could just squeeze some couple time in (don't tell T about the dance lessons I am working on for us! )

Reconsider Columbus Day - Pause music before playing

Delayed Week Three Post

Yes I know, it is actually almost week 4, but it is busy, busy, busy with three little ones to keep tabs on. This past weekend, I truly realized how much laundry 3 kids can generate in 1 week as the piles added up to monumental proportions. Making life more complicated, all potentially giardia contaminated items all had to be kept separate.
After much fretting on my part, I finally decided to get K's hair cut into a baby fro. The large mostly bald spot on the back of her head and what looked like a mullet around her neck as well as the fact that i couldn't leave any of it loose without it looking like, well I will say it, crap, was the final straw. Being the chicken I am about cutting hair, we took her to the boys barber and he did a great job of trimming it into a cute baby fro. Excellent!
It was back to the dr. this week for K for a followup and shots, more fun when I had to get a urine sample as there was concern due to her frequency of urination that she had a bladder infection. We also found out that the TB test was not in fact negative, but that the test was never transcribed and therefore, never done, so back to the hospital on Monday for another blood draw . T said they took so much blood from her that she turned white...very funny T. They were also testing for juvenile rheumatoid arthritis as she has such a problem getting going in the morning. The test came back with no indicators, but unexplained swelling in her joints that"could be from a previous infection or the stress of Africa"???? Hugh??? The stress of Africa?? Is that a medical term?? We are both perplexed by that one. PT continues and we will be getting her fitted for orthatics in the next few week as well as trying to figure out what the unexplained swelling means.
On the homefront, we are getting into more of a routine, which has helped, but the discipline issues continue and we have to keep a constant eye on her interactions with E2 as she can be quite physical with him. We are starting to wonder if there was a complete lack of routine/adult supervision in the home she was at as rules, routine and proper behavior (like no spitting at the table) seem to be completely foreign to her. The amount of rage she displays when not getting her way is quite.... how should I say....eye opening. I still believe we are making progress in the right direction, however.

Specta and my little Tweet Tweet

Now that I got the boys hooked on Big Fish, I figured I would blog about how something can look one way at one point in your life, but then when you go back and revisit it, you don't even recognize it. Its a little like Specta. The first time Edward Bloom (Ewan McGregor - adoptive father in real life...see the tie in!) sees Specta it is a perfect, all be it a bit strange, town with a little white church at the end of the street and happy go lucky villagers who spend their days writing poetry and baking pies. When he returns years later, the town is a mess and one can't help but wonder if the town changed or if he did. K wanted to go through the boys scrapbooks the other day. We started with E1's, but she kept thinking E1 was E2 (E1 is Guatemalan and E2 is Ethiopian, not really much of a resemblance). After we got through E1's book, I decided to pull out E2's. It has been awhile since I really looked at his referral photo. In a word, it is a scary picture. His legs and arms are like twigs, his eyes protruding out of his head. I don't really ever remember SEEing him in that picture before, blinded by love, what ever you will call it, the picture looked so different to me that day. We went to a seminar at University of Chicago Children's Hospital this past weekend. In the powerpoint presentation, the doctor showed a photo of a little Ethiopian baby, tiny, eyes protruding, fist clenched, hanging on, barely. He plotted him on the growth curve, he wasn't on the curve, he fell on the label part of the paper where you would put the childs name as the original makers of the curve never thought a child could fall into that area. Then he said for a child plotting at that location on the chart, one ear infection and he snaps his fingers, it is over. The hair stood up on my arms as it sent a chill down my spine. In my blindness, I don't think I ever realized or believe that we could have lost E2 over some minor infection, but in reality, E2 was probably in that label part of the curve and just one ear infection away from the unthinkable. I look at this beautiful 2 1/2 year old boy that graps every moment of life and can't believe he is the same boy I see staring back at me in the referral photo. The Dr. said something else that day, that it is not a matter of the child being perfect, but is more important that the child is the perfect child for that family. I am so thankful for that little boy who has captured my heart since the first moment I met him and that I didn't see a sick little boy in that referral picture, I saw my son. God Bless you little Tweet tweet, I am so proud you call me mama!

3 mile tune up

A 4 week layoff during the peak of the long mileage training. Two short weeks to attempt to regain some aerobic and cardio fitness, while also attempting to taper. So after a 7 mile, 10mile, 13mile, 7mile, 15mile, and 3 mile tune up.... That's all she wrote

Now we are really gonna see if I can just "run" a marathon. I suspect there will be plenty of walking. No need to injure anything. So the question is not if, but WHEN will I hit the wall. Mile 18? 20? 22? Maybe earlier...

On Sunday we'll find out, as the Inaugural Fox Valley Marathon kicks off

Week Two - A Dose of Patience and Regression

Week two was T's last week home before returning to work this coming Tuesday. It was a big week for K as she went to her first PT appointment for her legs. In general, she is very weak in her core and her lower legs. Her stance, out of weakness, has caused her not to use her calves at all when she walks. We are beginning with some exercises to help her strengthen those muscles and some supportive shoes to help bring her feet back in. We will be trying the shoes for a couple of weeks and if her feet don't start coming in, then we will probably have to go to orthopedic shoes. We have seen some regression on the potty training front. She has started to become resistant to using the potty and has a few accidents of the #1 type every day. She must be horrified by the thought of #2 in her pants as she is sure to let us know when she needs to do that! OH and we confirmed the visit of the unwelcome friend from the DRC in her poo (the local health dept was right on top of that and called min's later to grill T about our occupations etc). Gross liquid given and now poo is bright green!

There have been a lot of "yam-beees!" (hugs) in the house over the past week while to boys and K get to know eachother. K visited E2 at his daycare for a few hours later in the week and had a blast playing in the sand box with him and the other kids. She kept her eye out, every so often to make sure E2 was still there. Those two were born to be brother and sister I think. She talks about him like a million times a day in Lingala. All I hear is "blah blah blah...E2...blah blah blah...E2"! Play breakthrough when she initiated play with E2 and they both started jumping spontaneously on the couch and busting a move!

It has been a tough hair week. Was hoping for some outside help as I am really struggling with to get a cute style that works with the fact that she must have had a 3" diameter bald spot on the back of her head just a few months ago, so I am dealing with 3" hair in like a halo around her head and 1/4" long hair in the back. I am certainly no expert, and the various lengths have got me pulling my own hair out. I did cornrowed twists and left the back loose for the week in hopes that it might grow in a bit. Big day on Monday with our court date for her readoption, so a new style is in full swing as of this morning. Did beads in front and will be doing box braids tomorrow. DID YOU HEAR THAT WORLD?? I DID BEADS!!!! (and am happy to report that an hour later the beads are still in!)

My mommy sense is still lighting up with the indiscriminate affection she is showing to other women who are basically strangers. We have spend a lot of cuddling time and face to face time this week, but found myself having to step in with the PT when the amount of affection she was showing towards her felt inappropriate in my option, especially given that I was sitting right there.

We have had a few battles of will this week, but overall much progress has been made over last week. In general, we are over booked horribly. After talking with a few people, I think that might be leading towards some of the anxiety I am having. For now, no more restaurants or get togethers added to the schedule. We need to crawl into our cocoon for a bit and just get to know eachother. This coming week with really be the first time K and I will be spending along together so I am looking forward to some bonding, fun and challenges.

Picture is K letting out one of her first "high pitch" girl squeals. And yes, my ears were ringing afterwards like I had been at a rock concert.

One Week Home - Trials and Triumps

Wow! It is hard to believe that K has been home for only one week! With this post, I am going to try and be as open and honest as possible because there have been some big ups and some low downs the worst of which happened two days after she arrived when I announced to everyone at work that I planned to crawl under my desk and wait for the storm to pass. It has certainly been harder on me than with the boys who came home as babies, and the fact that I am trying, this time, to juggle time at work with time at home has left me totally and completely exhausted. It often feels like I am doing an extra poor job at both, but at the same time, getting away from the house and focusing on work for a day or so have helped to keep me sane.

I guess a lot of what I am feeling has to do with expectations. As a 3 yr old, I expected K to be able to do a lot herself, like climb up stairs, into a car seat, onto a toilet, like our 2.5 yr old can do. We are quickly realizing that she is not much different than a 12 month old in her abilities. She has no muscle tone in her lower body, can't walk for long periods of time, can't run, can't climb, so it is kind of like having a 30 lb 12 month old, she is pretty much dead weight if she falls. We were able to get into a pediatric orthopedic this past week and found out that at least the physical bones, etc are ok. She will start seeing a physical therapist this week. The issues with her legs, coupled with her not knowing how to "play" have been challenging. I termed it couch potato syndrome. Even with the two boys (thank god for our 2 boys, because if this would have been our first child, the challenge to get her up and moving would be even greater), she would much rather sit on her rump than actively participate in play. We all continue to encourage her to participate, but it is clear that her preference is to sit around on the couch. On a scooter, she can only go backwards and after 2 challenging hair-don't's, I realized that there is a circle about 3" in diameter in which the hair is only about 1/4" long. Both of these seem to point to the fact that she must have been laying on her back until she was quite old.

So the good, yes, there is good and lots of it. She is funny and engaging, she loves to be tickled and loves holding your face and giving lots of kisses. She comes over for comfort and has no issues looking us right in our eyes. A lot of the issues with attachment that I would have expected don't seem to be there. She will show indiscriminate affection, which is something we are working on, but overall, for just a week home, she is doing amazing. She has slept through every night and comes in with the boys to our bedroom in the morning to cuddle. And she is making progress. She is getting stronger with her legs, her sinus infection has cleared up and we are pumping in the iron to help with the anemia. Progress is definitely in a forward momentum. E1 has shown that he is a great big brother and he has been there to help her or show her something new. E2 has shown a bit of a jealous streak, and K and E2 and had some knock down drag outs over toys, but nothing out of the ordinary. We have ventured out to a restaurant, walmart, and a city festival with all three in tow and survived to tell the tale.

Lots of challenges I am sure we will face in the coming weeks, but at the end of this one, I no longer want to crawl under my desk, so that is a very good thing.

A daily two-for..

I was torn. I was moved by the first reading, as well as by today's gospel. With so much time on my hands, its just natural to think more and reflect deeper. Of course I understand that we can never (ourselves) fully understand the written word. But we can be moved by it. The Holy Spirit can inspire our thoughts and actions by it, even if its not to be taken literally.

Lord I know I am not willfully the servant that simply buried the coin. I know I attempt in all ways I know to allow your gifts to grow fruitful and multiply. I know I have the desire for your gifts to grow in, with, and through me. But I am human. Without you I am nothing. Only through you can I succeed in serving my purpose.

Today's (bonus) Reading of the day...

Mt 25:14-30

Jesus told his disciples this parable:
“A man going on a journey
called in his servants and entrusted his possessions to them.
To one he gave five talents; to another, two; to a third, one–
to each according to his ability.
Then he went away.
Immediately the one who received five talents went and traded with them,
and made another five.
Likewise, the one who received two made another two.
But the man who received one went off and dug a hole in the ground
and buried his master’s money.
After a long time
the master of those servants came back and settled accounts with them.
The one who had received five talents
came forward bringing the additional five.
He said, ‘Master, you gave me five talents.
See, I have made five more.’
His master said to him, ‘Well done, my good and faithful servant.
Since you were faithful in small matters,
I will give you great responsibilities.
Come, share your master’s joy.’
Then the one who had received two talents also came forward and said,
‘Master, you gave me two talents.
See, I have made two more.’
His master said to him, ‘Well done, my good and faithful servant.
Since you were faithful in small matters,
I will give you great responsibilities.
Come, share your master’s joy.’
Then the one who had received the one talent came forward and said,
‘Master, I knew you were a demanding person,
harvesting where you did not plant
and gathering where you did not scatter;
so out of fear I went off and buried your talent in the ground.
Here it is back.’
His master said to him in reply, ‘You wicked, lazy servant!
So you knew that I harvest where I did not plant
and gather where I did not scatter?
Should you not then have put my money in the bank
so that I could have got it back with interest on my return?
Now then! Take the talent from him and give it to the one with ten.
For to everyone who has,
more will be given and he will grow rich;
but from the one who has not,
even what he has will be taken away.
And throw this useless servant into the darkness outside,
where there will be wailing and grinding of teeth.’”

May the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way...

We are called...

There is a song by Jars of Clay "Take my world apart" that also sums up quite well the same meaning (at least for me) that is within the message of today's first reading. But for my own take on it...

Lord I've given up all my pride (at least as best as I know how). I've opened my heart (at best as I am able). I'm raw and exposed, lifting my hands up to you. In thanks, and in petition. Speak Lord (in way that these human ears and eyes can understand) for your servant is listening. Is it time? It the cup filled yet, such that it might be poured out according to your will.. I feel that I am ready..

Today's Reading of the day is ...

1 Cor 1:26-31

Consider your own calling, brothers and sisters.
Not many of you were wise by human standards,
not many were powerful,
not many were of noble birth.
Rather, God chose the foolish of the world to shame the wise,
and God chose the weak of the world to shame the strong,
and God chose the lowly and despised of the world,
those who count for nothing,
to reduce to nothing those who are something,
so that no human being might boast before God.
It is due to him that you are in Christ Jesus,
who became for us wisdom from God,
as well as righteousness, sanctification, and redemption,
so that, as it is written,
Whoever boasts, should boast in the Lord.

May the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way...