Forgiveness - Is it enough?

We were talking the other day about forgiveness and my heart and mind immediately went to thinking of K. It has been a hard few months for the two of us. So much of Colombia with her was about survival for me. It was a difficult situation with all the stressors from our Colombia adoption, to be therapeutic parenting one daughter while trying to bond with the other. Not an ideal situation in the least. And I have probably second guessed my decision to keep K in Colombia the entire time about a million times at this point because I am having trouble seeing what it accomplished. I had the patience of a saint with her for most of the trip, calmly singing to her and talking her off the ledge while she raged, scratched, hit and basically took out her anger and frustration on me. Coming home I just felt I needed a break. I had swallowed everything she had thrown at me and just couldn't take any more. I asked myself again and again, had I forgiven her for trying to make my life a living hell in Colombia and the answer was always yes. Its not like she was doing it on purpose, she has so little control over herself and her emotions that it all just spilled over in fits of rage. Yes, I have forgiven her. But I realized the other night that I needed more than just to forgive her. I had built a wall between us. While I LOVE having my 4 yr old slam her head into my chest hundreds of times while screaming at the top of her lungs so all of Bogota could hear her, I had reached my limit and the thought of doing a time-in with her so she could beat me up again was just something I couldn't even force myself to think about less doing. Forgiveness is one thing, but opening my heart to let her beat the breath out of me is another. Then I realized, she can't heal without my love and I can't love her though this wall. So my only option is to let the wall down and open myself again to love her though the hurt and pain she will try and drag me down with. I stopped the other day and watched her, wandering, expressionless at the Pumpkin Farm while all the other kids laughed and played and for the first time, since we got home, saw the brokeness under the anger and felt the wall between us coming down.

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Update from a Walled Castle

Sigh...big sigh....every week I look forward to spending Thursday on some great adventure with E2 and I find myself today logging into work and writting a blog post as we impliment a new disipline technique in the family which entails putting up a wall between yourself and the offender until they attone for the their actions. So we are going on 4 hours and while E2 plays unaffected, I am on the verge of tears missing my day with my little man. Yes it is necessary, and yes it is needed. E2 has gone too far with what papa and his teacher call his stubbornness which I am pretty sure it rooted in the trauma he experineced in his little life, but alas, here we sit with the hours ticking by and no budging on his side...sigh...big sigh...On a lighter note, K is settling into her 3rd preschool in a month after the other two could no longer deal with her behavioral problems. This is a smaller home daycare and seems to be a better setting that doesn't lump her into a 4 yr old catagory, but addresses each of her needs at the level she is at. We also completed her assessment through the early childhood program at our school district and YAHHHH!!! She qualifies for services!!!! 2 1/2 hours every day! We had a long meeting yesterday with so much info provided I thought for sure my brain was going to explode afterwards but the plan that they have for her to meet goals was dead on and we have great hopes that working wiht the new daycare, our behavioralist, and the school district that she will have the resources she needs to grow and mature and fit into a class room setting. Now onto the next issues which is that our 4 yr old aka E2 is the size of a 2 yr old and hasn't grown in the last year. So off we will go in December to a gastric specialist to try and figure out what is going on with him. I am hoping they find he has a stubborness bone stuck in his digestive track and if they remove it it will not only cause him to grow but give his aditude a kick in the pants! A girl can dream can't she?? Oh yah, least I forget our newest N, who is doing great in school and picking up english faster than a speeding bullet, she was knocked down by that wicked virus going around and peaked at 105.3. How do you say ice bath in spanish? Girl was NOT happy. She's on the mend for now, but has lots of vaccines to go, so I imagine it is going to be a long winter with the vaccines knocking her immune system down and her picking up every cold and illness know to man. Last but not least E1, who got a shining report from his teacher at our conference this morning that had little to do with his achademics. I know, he is AWESOME, I know, he is AMAZING....that's my E1!

Jonah oh Jonah, what can we learn from you

Interesting Reading of the day for today.  I've heard it before, perhaps many times.  But perhaps this is the first time I thought about it for a second.  How true for me,  getting upset over things I didn't create.  things I didn't nuture.  things that were then taken away.  How easy for me to get upset over the good things in life, that appear to be free, but then are taken away.  Unlike Jonah, I dont become "angry enough to die".  Surely angry at time.  A good message to take what we are given, and to be thankful.

Today's Reading of the day...

Jonah 4:6-116Then the LORD God provided a gourd plant.^* And when it grew up over Jonah’s head, giving shade that relieved him of any discomfort, Jonah was greatly delighted with the plant.7But the next morning at dawn God provided a worm that attacked the plant, so that it withered.8And when the sun arose, God provided a scorching east wind; and the sun beat upon Jonah’s head till he became faint. Then he wished for death, saying, “It is better for me to die than to live.”7But the next morning at dawn God provided a worm that attacked the plant, so that it withered.8And when the sun arose, God provided a scorching east wind; and the sun beat upon Jonah’s head till he became faint. Then he wished for death, saying, “It is better for me to die than to live.”9But God said to Jonah, “Do you have a right to be angry over the gourd plant?” Jonah answered, “I have a right to be angry—angry enough to die.”10Then the LORD said, “You are concerned^* over the gourd plant which cost you no effort and which you did not grow; it came up in one night and in one night it perished.11And should I not be concerned over the great city of Nineveh, in which there are more than a hundred and twenty thousand persons who cannot know their right hand from their left, not to mention all the animals?”^*

The (Little known) 8th day of Creation.

The (Little known) 8th day of Creation.

Then God said: Let the Avocado (created on the 3rd day) be smashed and blended with other gifts. And so it happened, the fruit from the tree, was smashed an blended with the spices and fruits of all the best trees and plants.

God called the creation, Guacamole. And saw that it was Good. Very good.

Evening came, and morning followed—the eighth day

The NEW normal

It has been almost 2 weeks since we arrived home and it feels like the chaos is actually starting to die down. The school routine is back on track (sorry about the late payment daycare! oops!) and the kids are settling down to the routine. Things are back in swing at work and the house isn't totally a disaster area. Given this, I wanted to do a post of a few things from the last few weeks:
1. I proved that it takes 6 weeks of speaking a foreign language to start dreaming in that language. A couple of nights after getting home, E2 came in our room and woke me out of my Spanish dream, I continued half asleep speaking to him and calling in a girl none the less in Spanish before i woke up and realized what I was doing.
2. 4 kids is a LOT of kids. I don't know for sure why going from 3 to 4 made it seem like they are everywhere, but every time I turn around, someone's calling "mama, mama" or I am tripping on them under my feet. Going anywhere is like herding cats as they scatter in ever which direction and sitting in the gaz-bo at night watching them on the jumper make me think the neighbors must be wondering if we are running a daycare. Its all good though because I am also getting 4 x's as many hugs!
3. The dishes, the laundry, need I say more? I have never seen so many skid marks in my life and if we could all stop throwing our tp in the garbage can, that would help also, we arn't in Colombia anymore people!
4. Speaking of Spanish, in my infintate wisdom, I decided to share some of the Catholic doctrine with our new daughter last week at church not remembering that i really don't speak Spanish well enough to explain Catholic doctrine to a 5 yr old, I am pretty sure she now thinks we are all vampires and are going to try and drain her blood.
5. We have been busy also channeling Uncle Buck. With N's picky eatting, we have been sending her to school with some unusual lunches which usually include a halved avocado. T is having fun imaging her opening her lunch to the gasps of the kids around her who are probably wondering what her parents were thinking when they packed her lunch that morning.
Thats it for now from the home front! Just sitting back and enjoying family life and working on getting 4 kids loaded into the car in less than 20 mins! Boo-yah!

Family of 6

Hard to believe we have been home from Colombia for just over a week. So much has been going on, it has been hard to keep track: transitions to school, transitions to work, catching up on everything for the last 6 weeks, my head is spinning and I keep forgetting school drop off locations or to sign kids in and out. I don't want to jinx it, but N has been doing amazing. It was summed up by the administrator at school yesterday when she looked at me and said "You guys are really bless, she is incredible!". I just replied "I know". When I think about all she has been through in the 5 years of her life, I am in awe of her. I have to credit the amazing foster family that cared for her over the past 3 years. We will forever be grateful to them for their unconditional love. I pray pray pray, when N turns 18 that we will be able to find them and thank them in person.
I will say, after bringing home our 3 yr old from Congo and the developmental and behavioral issues we are working through with her, even though I knew N was our daughter from the min. I saw her name, I was terrified that we would have difficult emotional and developmental issues to overcome. It is true that God only gives you what you can handle (and I think God knows we can only handle one K!). He knew N would be perfect in our family as an older sister to K and someone that could show her the joy of playing dolls and just plain goofing around. It warms my heart when I see N grab K's hand and yammer something to her in Spanish and lead her off to some sort of adventure! Not sure why God chose us to raise these amazing kiddos, but I am humbled, truely humbled that he did.
It is hard to believe that we have spent the last 7 yrs of our marriage (over half the time we have been married) working on the adoption of our kiddos. That is planning, research, paperwork (oh the paperwork), doctors appointment, social worker appointments, more paperwork, travel, bonding, saving $$saving $$saving, praying praying praying then waiting waiting waiting....I am exhausted just typing it. It is almost like the end of an era. As an engineer, I am an obsessed timeline tracker, and because of that, our adoptions have been incredibly emotionally draining to me. It is an amazing feeling to know our family is complete. And when I tell people that, I always preface it by saying that if God doesn't think so, he better scream pretty loud because my hands are now permanently over my ears and I am yelling "I can't hear you!!"

Adoption - A story behind the story

This article was shared with J & I be an awesome "Therapeutic Mom".  If you are wondering what in the world is a Therapeutic Mom, when sorry, but that will have to be a post for another time.  Try searching google, for "therapeutic parenting".   Anyway, as we are adjusting to life as a bigger family, and trying to get "into" school. We are faced with some challenges.  Quite honestly, we don't know what the solution is or where the road we are no on is taking us.  We have one of two "leads" to follow up on, so we are not without Hope yet.  Its unlikely to be a friendly and fun journey either, heck not that it has been thus far.  I know that I found this article to be particularly.... interesting.  It doesn't offer tools, or solutions.  But it does put into light some perspectives that Adoptive Parents have a very difficult time trying to share with family and friends.

http://nysccc.org/adoption/realities-of-adoption/

Boys! Mama is Coming HOME!

God was with us yesterday when we stopped in the ICBF office for a Hague required last paper and the director had left her cell phone in a cab and was no where to be found. Just as we were about to leave, she ran in multitasking like crazy and signed the paper! We headed in terrible traffic to the embassy and because it was Friday before a holiday, they we taking visa applications and we were the only family there! Courrier from the lab with the doctors report hadn't arrived yet...bummer, but we were able to call on my cell because it didn't have a camera so it wasn't confiscated and found out hte lady was also stuck in traffic but had just arrived at the gate! Another blessing! N was interviewed and it was quite cute. He asked her her name, and who was with her to which she responded "mama". Then he asked her where she wanted to go and she said "yo quiero ir a Los Estados Unidos!" and he asked what she was going to do there and she said "jugar! (play)". He asked if she ws going to go to school and she relpied "No!". We both laughed. Visa will be ready after the holiday and we have rebooked our tickets! Boys! Mama is coming home and there better not be a pile of laundry waiting for me when I get there!

Just Buy Another Pair of Shoes

So your in Colombia and find out the immigration requirements just changed on August 15th regarding turburculin testing and you are the trail blazing family that has to be the first to figure out the new system.....just go and buy another pair of shoes

Yah, you arrive at the only embassy approved lab at 7:00 in the morning after a 45 min. taxi ride, stand in line to get in only to find out the only lab approved by the embassy doesn't do the new test that is required....just go and buy another pair of shoes

Sure, the new policy requires you to hold your daughter down while a tube is stuffed down her throat even after the x-ray is clear.....of course, just go and buy yourself another pair of shoes.

And the lab thinks the sample MUST be for a culture because who in their right mind would order this test for someone who is asymptomatic so they ignore the order voiding the first nose tube torture on your daughter who screamed and cried the whole time....just go and buy another pair of shoes

And after 4 days of tortuous forced coughing, sampling, poking and proding after the doctor suggests that the testing must be easy by now and you feel like punching him in the face....cry your eyes out when they tell you the last sample is sufficient so the entire hospital staff can see you, your daughter can wonder why you can't stop crying and the cab driver will think you are crazy...and go buy yourself another pair of shoes......but not just any pair of shoes, a pair of shoes that will be good for kick ass!!!!!