Another day in the Neighborhood

Some bloggers post everything and anything, and are consistent no matter what.  Other (like this one), I guess you could say absence makes the heart grow fonder. No that's not right.  Absence makes the brain wonder more?  or Absence make the wonder greater.  What is going on behind the curtain.  If we've been quite, surely there has been enough "activity" to warrant a blog post.   Guess so. Though lately our "activity" results in us needing to circle the wagons.

Halloween is past.  Thankfully without any major, Gi-normous issues.  Wont share them here, but the rollar coaster has been derailed a few times, and those that are in the know, well you are in the know, and its stuff we dont really post here.  Who want to see the neighbors dirty laundry anyone.  Its not as if you are looking to see if their is any more nasty then your own.

Sacrifice for with purpose.   Another opportunity arose.  Ran a marathon without any specific time, rather an "effort goal".  I did run with a group of Faithful men (our group calls ourself the Fellowship of Runners), and they had an aggressive time goal.  In the range of 8:02 - 8:15 per mile for all 26.2 .   Thats a pace I can hold for 7 to 15 miles, beyond that, I would need exceptionally perfect conditions to pull that off.   But I went out with them, hung in as long as I could, again knowing my personal goal was effort.  I did hold the pace for almostt 17 miles.  Slowly the pace crept longer and longer.  Ended up with a very respectable 8:29 pace for a 3:42 marathon.  Perhaps a Personal Record, but I'm not keeping track.  So what of the goal...

It was hard,  hard enough that I wasnt even able to focus so much on all the "sacrifice" I was offering up. But that's OK also.  Just mean I took it up a notch.  When one foot in front of the other, and keep breathing are about the only thoughts,  I'm thinking that alot is being offered up. 

Its no Thanksgiving.  But got a lot to be thankful for.  A great group of men to share some time with.  The ability to run longer distances, and persevere in the effort with the hope the effort will be accepted to bring aid to others.  A Wife the gave me the green light to go ahead and race, and held down the fort whilst I was gone.  A family, however challenging and dysfunctional we are, that keep me on my toes every minute of every day. Employment.    Enough spare change to buy some Chipotle when the need (and yes I do mean need, because sometimes you just need Chipotle) arises.  But mostly thankful that I've maintained my Faith during a year that would have possibly destroyed many men, they jobs, and their families.  

Don't know where the roller coaster is going, when the next derailment is, or when it might come to a peaceful stop.  But for today. The hands are still strong enough to hold on tight.

Peace

Its a Good Morning

I'm sorry, if you don't lifted up, more cheerful, and ready to face the day after listening to this, then you likely don't have a pulse.  Been quite a few morning lately that I would have needed to hear this.  5 Star shout out Mandisa!  Thanks for great song.

Hope you have a Good Morning (too)

Peace

A Headphones on kinda day

Today is a headphones on kinda day.  The kind in which you just tune into all the songs that help you to recharge, relax, refocus.  The kinda songs to calm your mind and body and reawaken your Spirit.

Yep.  Its one of those kinda days.
Peace

A unique view of suffering...

Tri for Hope, Sacrifice with Purpose...

Its right there in the name.  I've found myself sharing the sentiment with others recently.  Namely with regards to some of the races I registered for, and my goals and expectations for them.  Its not about the time, or the training, or a PR.  Its about the effort.  I repeat it often.  Since I am offering up my "effort", my goals are to have a great effort.

Sitting in Adoration, I came across this excerpt from "The Diary of St. Faustina" (343)

True Love is measured by the thermometer if suffering.  Jesus, I thank you for the little daily crosses, for opposition to my endeavors, for the hardships of communal life, for the misinterpretation of my intentions, for humiliations at the hands of others, for the harsh way in which we are treated, for false suspicions, for poor health and lack of strength, for self-denial, for dying to myself, for the lack of recognition in everything, for the upsetting of all my plans.

Now granted, St Faustina is a Saint. She perhaps her perspective is something to aspire to.  Since at least for me, thinking, considering, and accepting of all those daily trials as a gift, as and opportunity...  well that is just easier said than done isn't it.

Peace

Catch My Breath - A therapeutic parenting view?

A day in the Life of an everyday family.  A day in the Life of a everyday family with Children having experienced trauma a very early age.  For those that know, they already know.  For those those don't, they many never know.  You walk, fall, get up.  Walk backwards, fall, get up.  Walk forward, fall again, and get up again.  This is our path, until you find something that sorta works. Something that at least works in that moment.  You learn to tune out all the "helpful" advice from those they don't quite "get it".  You learn to ignore the looks, the stares, judgments, and expressions from strangers observing how we carry ourselves.

[We..our kids] don't wanna be left behind.  Distance was a friend of mine [theirs].  Catching breath in a web of lies 

[We] spend most of our life, Riding waves, playing acrobat.  Shadowboxing the other half [our other half trying to force us into neurotypical, traditional parenting paradigms]. Learning how to react. 

[Where we are all striving to be and get to, if only for a few moments each day]
Addicted to the love [We] found.  Heavy heart, now a weightless cloud.  [We'll] spend the rest of [our] time.  Laughing hard with the windows down.  Leaving footprints all over town.  Keeping Faith Karma comes around

Catching [our] Breath, no one can hold [us] back, [We] ain't got time for that.

You [God] help me see. The beauty in everything [and sometimes you cannot imagine how hard that can be when you see what we see day in/day out]

Catching [our] Breath, letting it go [as Christine says.. just Breath!!], turning [our] cheeks for the sake of the show.  Now that you know, this is [our] lives, [We] won't be told it's supposed to be right. 

Catching [our] Breath, no one can hold [us] back, [We] ain't got time for that.

I heard this song on the radio the other day, and its been stuck, swirling around the old fish bowl noggin.  Downloaded it from Amazon and listened to the lyrics more.  Can't say what Ms Clarkson's reasons for the lyrics are, but they fit nicely into my view of the mindset of this therapeutic parent.  

Peace

Hot and Hot ... but mission accomplished

So completed my first triathlon in 4 years.  Did not have many expectations as I didnt get to the pool very often, and I only got the bike on the road once.  That said, despite some wicked heat and humidity, I did "suffer" through it.  That was goal, and whilst I was thinking about how hard it was, and how I really wasnt enjoying it, I was offering it up.   In the end it was a pretty respectable day for the conditions, and the conditions of my left achilles.

I finish in 2:53:27.  My swim was a very respectable 34min, my bike (as expected was slow) at 1:19:11 with a 18.8mph pace (in years past I would hold a 20 to 21mph pace).  My run was rough, but I expected it to be with the achilles acting up.  My body told me to take walking breaks or it was going to stop listening to me, so I listed to it.  I ended up with the 57:04 on the run, for a 9:12pace.

All in all.  Its was an interesting day. I am not sorry I did it, but if there were thought about this race kick starting my triathlon bug, that did not happen :)   Still would rather run 15+ miles through some hills and streams. 

Thank you Lord for the strength and endurance in my body.  I hope you will except my efforts today, and ease the burden on someone in much greater need.

Peace

3 years and two kids later...

Its been since 2009, and before two adoptions, that I've done my last Triathlon.  I cannot believe it has been that long.  I guess that is what family life, young kids, and Fatherhood will do to you.  It relegates you to running in the weeee, dark hours of the morning.  With the blessing of my better half,  J suggested (demanded more like) that I signup for a TRI in the Great White North.  Well of course I will need a "warm up tri".  So its coming up.  Hope that Achilles in the left leg is up for it.  An Olympic tri, first since the Chicago (Accenture Tri) in 2009.  That took me 2:39:06.  I will surely be slower than that, and that's OK.  With a leg that is giving me pause, no real bike/road training, and only about 6 trips to the pool.  We'll see how it goes.

As the blog name says..

Tri for Hope, Sacrifice with Purpose...


I intend to.

All Quiet on the Eastern Front...

Hours into days.  Days into more days.  Perhaps into weeks.  But who's counting?  not me.  At times you just need to ask yourself, or consider for yourself, what important to carry around.  What sorta "baggage" do you want.  What can you tolerate.  Baggage from work.  From Hobbies. From Friends. From Homework. Yardwork.  From whatever. 

So many people (from my perch) seems to just carry so much.  I can't judge or pick on them.  I surely still do at times, but in all honestly.  I do it so little.  What did you do last week?  I shrug my shoulders.  I dunno.  When was the last time "fill in the blank" happened?  Um..  I dunno.  A few day? weeks?  Ask me about yesterday.  I can answer that.  The day before.  Probably.  3 or 4 days ago.. I'm gonna have to pause and ponder.

Our home is a wonderful concert.  The crescendo in our home can make much people's head spin.  But following that is a calm and peace that if it lasts can be refreshing. 

The home is quiet (OK I helps that I've lost my voice).

The nuggets are adjusting into summer break, quite will if I don't say so myself.

I've heard some compassion coming from the mouths of the nuggets, which is nice to hear.

I've noticed that there is more ink in the house.  Then again more chalk dust also.

The dog, our horse Kowalski, has his summer "pant" on and its not even gotten that hot.

I don't keep track or score anymore (except of course that the Blackhawks are up 2-0 in the Western Conference Finals).  When will the calm end.  Dunno. Maybe tomorrow.  After all, its a new day, ripe for the plucking.  Who knows whether the fruit is ripe, or still sour. But for now...

All is Quiet on the Eastern Front...

Peace

Livesay [Haiti] Weblog: the ongoing adoption ethics discussion

What an excellent article and point being made here.  Just wanted to share...

Livesay [Haiti] Weblog: the ongoing adoption ethics discussion

An Open Letter To Moms from Kid President

'Nuff said!

Peace

Just try to imagine..

The other day I received a sort of guided imagery scenario.  Not for relaxation, but to provide a glimpse into a window, a scary window most never consider.

Imagine you are dropped into Iraq with nothing.  You dont speak the language. You are not dressed appropriately.  Not for the conditions.  Not for the region.  No food.  No water.  What do you do?  Stay put?  Walk and look around?  Walk and look for help?  Since you dont know the language or the body language and mannerisms are you even able to recognize if someone is offering you help, or is threatening you?  If you decide they are trying to help, do you accept it?  or shy from it since you are clearly a White/Westerner, and frankly you are not in Kansas anymore. If you turn the help down are you in more danger,  more jeopardy?  If you accept the help do you allow yourself to trust the person helping you?  Or while accepting the help are you immediately looking for an path of escape if needed. Trying to take in every site, sound, smell, in case it can help to save your life.  Do you risk sleeping?  If you do, is it restful or fitful?  How long can you keep this up.  Its likely horribly exhausting physically, and mentally/emotionally crushing.  How many days can you keep it up?  One?  Two?  Ten?  A Month?  If you were stuck in a world that was foreign; a world you did not understand; a world that didnt understand you; could you be happy? would you forget what its like to be happy?  What if, you never knew what happiness was prior to this?  What view would you have of the world?  If you suddently treated kindly and with Respect; with Love.  Would you even know it?

This is the world that our Kids with trauma have.  Living in a constant war zone.  Unable to control anything.  Those that had such rough starts that its really not possible to fully understand the horrors they have faced.  When the best thing you can say about your entire childhood is that at least your mother cared enough to carry you to term rather than abort you, but not enough to care before, during, or after your birth.

How scary a window is that to look through.  These kids might be 5 or they might be 15 or even 30.   Love can heal many wounds.  But Human love (shaking my head negatively, I think) can only go so far.   Perhaps divine Love can heal all wounds, and when they say "All you need is Love", if its divine, maybe they are right.

I salute you Parents of Trauma.  Few can begin to grasp the depth of the challenges you face each hour of each day.  And that cost extracted from them.

what did you do today?

I woke up today, and actually got up.  And that is saying something.

A Pearl

Every one of us has inside of us exactly what our kids need...

Blind.. but that's ok (maybe)

this morning was one of those days.  You know, the ones that just get off to a wacky start that you're not sure its worth taking another step, unless its back to bed.   Actually.  It wasn't just one of those days, it was worse.  For reason yet to be determined, I just had a hard time coping with the dog moaning, the mad rush to be sure I has soccer stuff ready.  lunch.  coffee. Homework lines up for after school. and 4 nuggets running around doing things young nuggets do in the morning before school.

Driving to work I tried to reflect.  Didnt get any divine answers, none that I could detect anyway.  But did have the thought that "hey this has been a rough start, BP is high, and I'm stressed to the max already and I'm barely away from the house before work.  I must be trying to swim upstream.  Or across the current.  Whatever it is, I'm not swimming WITH the current downstream."

thought about the post from the other day.  Wonder what it is that I'm not seeing this morning.  What is clouded from my view.  Hidden beyond the stress, the dog yelping, and everything else that started me off behind the eight-ball.   Since I didnt get the divine inspiration, I figured.  Ok how do I trust.  How do I just go with this, and ride the chaos and the stress.  Dunno.  But decided to just drink some coffee, turn up the Harry Potter audiobook in the car, and see where the day went from there.  All in all, it went quite well considering the rocky start.  Tomorrow promises to be even more of a challenge, but we know for months that this week would be rough.  Almost through it.

..those who Believe but do not see..

Blessed be those who Believe but do not see...

Those were the words said to a man named Thomas.  A doubtful man, but one who came around when presented evidence to his human eyes. 

How easy it is, and quite frankly how human it is, to believe only that which we can see.  (an by extension, taste, touch, feel, hear).  But there are plenty of things that many just take for granted  or (gasp) on faith.  Things that do not register in the human perception.   Take Love.  Pretty hard to ..prove.. its there, or if it even exists, but few doubt it.

As I listened to a story about Thomas, the story was re-framed.  Not simply about how easy it is to "believe" in things when times are good.  When we are healthy.  Free of $$ worried or debt.  Enjoy success in business and/or in play.  But framed about how much greater the opportunity for growth, personal growth, exists when to try (try being the operative word) to believe during the difficult, challenging, heart wrenching times.  The times where, as humans, we are just incapable or reaching a rationale explanation or even approach to a believable answer to the question "Why?".

To some is a Spiritual things.  To just throw you hands up in frustration/desperation and say to that higher power you believe in, and say "I don't get it.  I just don't get it.  I don't like it.  In fact I frickin' mad as Hades.  But I accept it.  I accept that don't know everything, and this is just beyond me.  So I trust in you"

To those that are not Spiritual in a Religious sense, maybe you just toss your hands up, in much the same way, and say the same things.  But for you, you just come to accept that its just one of those things, and things will turn around.  So its time to move on.

Easier said than done for all, to be sure. But a nice perspective to an old story, to chew on nonetheless.

Peace

A Gift

Merriam-Webster (online) defines a gift as:
1. a notable capacity, talent, or endowment
2. something voluntarily transferred by one person to another without compensation

Woke up this morning, intent on starting the journey to drop 10lbs.  My diet has been decent, but my amount of exercise I get now has diminished. No surprise there is a corresponding uptick in stress and paunch in the midsection.  Went out for a run, normal path.  Wasn't easy, and to be honest, wasn't really fun.  But I've never been know as one that runs for "fun".  Heck the word "Sacrifice" is right there in the blog name. 

Got home. Got ready for work.  Here the yelling and screaming that occurs all to frequent in the house in the morning when someone is doing something they shouldnt have.  Talked #3 down from the ledge so to speak (at least there was a calmness there).  Ate breakfast.  Drove to work.  Listening to some music that just flowed through my.  Thought about some passages that I read last night during Adoration.  I became aware of myself "my felt sense" I suppose.

I was calm.  I had a peace about me.  Despite a not so fun run, what could have been a day wrecking start with the kids, despite some anxiety about a performance review at work today.  I was calm, and at Peace.  Happy even.

A gift.  

A gift whose effect was not lost on me, and fully appreciated.  Merriam-Webster says a gift something voluntarily transferred to another without (the expectation of) compensation.  That maybe be true, though I'm feeling good, and I hope I have the chance today to pass this onto someone else today.

Some gifts are meant to be shared...

Peace

War Witch

I just learned about film that is taking notice within the International Film arena.  War Witch.  Shocking topic.  But also one close to home for some.  Reading about it on wikipedia and watching the trailer really just ought to give anyone with a pulse, pause.

If you would like to learn more about the movie, read up on Wikipedia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/War_Witch

Hangin 10 with the Eagles

Things and events aligned such that I found myself running alone today for the first time in a great while.  Hit the Fox River Trail.  Anyone in the area know what the Fox River Valley can mean this time of year.  Eagles.  Bald Eagles.  Two of the. Circling and diving to the river.  Pretty awesome.  I was about 50 to 75 feet from them.  Almost jogged underneath them whilst they stopped to perch.

Got to thinking.  What an awesome world out there. Nature. Beautiful. Unique. Always has something new to offer.    Sure it was cold out, but Nature is out there.  Life is out there!! Get out!  Catch it!

Peace

Never doubt your talents

Never doubt your talents, for your talents are God given.
And God's talents are never wrong, never deficient.
Trusting in your talents, is indeed trusting in the Lord.


Do not fret in the challenges you face.  In work.  In play.  At home.  In Church.  In all that you do.  Your talents (God's talents), will carry you through.

Peace

Neuroreorg Update - 9 months in

It has been awhile since we have updated our neuro-reorg and K's progress. I think T would agree, that while we are seeing progress in some areas, the roller coaster ride continues and i just want to jump off at time. K on occasion has been able to calm herself more interdependently, and amazingly, she has stopped stinkin from what we imagine was excess fight or flight chemicals in her body. We did go to Disney in November and expected the worst. We were super impressed that she held it together most of the trip. Unfortunately, when we got home, we found out that she wasn't doing as well as we thought during the trip. She had basically held everything in to be the model "good girl", but she was suffering something awful on the inside the duration. Her favorite parts of Disney, watching cartoons at night and the one day we were able to hang out around the hotel in the pool. Not exactly a proud parenting moment when we realized what she had gone through internally while we were on the trip. Her EMDR therapy to help deal with the trauma that was coming out as a result of the neuro-reorg was a bust however. With no memories to go on, we were able to thread some positive images in her head and talk a little about her eating issues, but the more serious stuff was untouched. Our therapist recommended a new therapist that deals almost exclusively with children and trauma. Last week, we had an intake appointment with her and off loaded a phone book size file on our K. From what we told her, her impression is that K's trauma is playing over and over like a broken record in her brain that she can't process to move past. Because of this, it will continue to come out in her behaviors until she has the tool to start processing it. Neuro-reorg continues to build connections in her brain that were missed as part of her development, however it doesn't stop when this broken record starts playing. We will be waiting for the two therapists to get together, but it sounds like we are going to have to back off the neuro-reorg until we can get "unstuck" with the trauma side of things. Never a dull moment! Looking forward to our appointment this week and praying this direction in the maze will lead us in the direction of the cheese and not towards another dead end.

Forgiveness

One of the aldermen I served with on the City Council passed away last week. He wasn't just the alderman I sat next to, he was the person that had served up one of the greatest hurts I have ever experienced in my life. See I was on the Council to serve and improve communication with the people in my ward, but after my tenure began, it quickly became about something else, my background in engineering. I was naïve and thought everyone serving on the Council was doing so to serve the public. I was by no means a politician and spoke the truth to the best of my knowledge which didn't sit well with some. The alderman that passed away said the prayer before each meeting, was a church goer and a long term well respected member of the Council. He was on the opposite side of the issue from me, but I respected his position on the matter and his passion until he crossed the line. Working with a local advocacy group, he helped stuff flyers in all the local papers accusing me of taking the position I had in the matter because I was trying to solicit work for my boss’s engineering company. I will never forget the day I had to walk into my boss’s office, the boss that had built his company through sweat and tears, whom I had told my position on the Council would not impact his company and tell him about the flyer. I had about ever emotion a person could have felt running through my body at that moment, I was furious that the group would stoop so low and resort to personal attacks when they started losing ground, I was terrified my boss would fire me for the fact his company was dragged through the mud for no good reason, I was so hurt that the person sitting right next to me, the one who prayed to God before each meeting who had pulled out a giant knife and stabbed me in the back just to push his agenda. I went home and called him, I could barely get the words out between my gasps for air as the tears poured down my face. I don’t remember much of the conversation, other than asking again and again how he could have done such a horrible thing. The jist of his response…all is fair in Love and War right? With the Council meeting looming, I needed to response publicly which was going to be a feat as I could barely get two words out before breaking into tears. But I also needed to respond to him. I prayed about it and I realized how heavy and burdensome my hurt was, that it would be an incredible load on me to carry such a depth of anger and resentment. But in order not to carry it with me, I would have to forgive the alderman that had been a part of it, which seemed like a monumental task in itself. I prayed more and before the meeting, that night, I bought a blank card from the store and wrote inside “I forgive you”. It was like a weight was lifted off my chest. Even if he never acknowledged getting the card, I had given my forgiveness to him with my heart and soul. Before the meeting, he sat down and turned to me. Tears were swelling in his eyes and he said “I didn’t think you were ever going to speak to me again, but you did more than that, you forgave me”. Driving to his wake, the hurt stirred in me again as I remembered the crushing pain of it all. Then I remembered what Jesus said, “Not seven times but seventy seven times”. I forgive you and I pray you will rest in peace.

10 Prayers God ALWAYS Answers

I was intrigued at our Adoration Chapel last night by a new book in the pew in front of me. The title was “10 Prayers God Always Answers”. I was skeptical. Of course God’s will is not our will and so many of our prayers ask for something that might not fit into God’s bigger picture for us. It was split by Chapters and the first was a prayer to know God exists. I figured I would skip that one seeing as I didn't need any convincing on that front. The next Chapter was on asking God to make you his instrument and allowing his will to be done through you by coming to the aid of someone. The chapter talked about if someone is to pray this prayer, God will immediately respond and put someone at your doorstep who is in need. It also talked about if you had any doubt that God exists as in Chapter 1, that would be erased from your mind by praying for God to use you as an instrument to help someone. I am pretty sure my thought process on this went something like: “yah right, like all I need to say is “God, use me as an instrument to help someone else” and some homeless person is going to show up on my doorstep”. A few min’s later, the next parishioner entered the chapel and my hour was up. I have a wicked cold and had accumulated a big o’ disgusting pile of Kleenex in the short span of 1 hour next to me. As there is no garbage in the chapel, I gathered them up to throw them away in the bathroom just outside the Chapel door. When I opened the door, I was shocked to see a purse and a pair of shoes next to the door, as I opened the door further, I could see the figure of a small woman asleep under a blanket on the floor. At first I thought my eyes were deceiving me. They weren't. As we found out, the woman was lost, she didn't know her name, had been wandering through the cold in worn black flats, nylons, a skirt and light coat on this frigid night. She only stood about 5’ tall and probably weighted only 90 lbs. She said she was looking for an open door and when she came into the Chapel, she went into the bathroom and collapsed from exhausting. Had the door to the chapel not been open earlier in the night, she likely would have froze to death by morning. God opened the door for her and I pray the people that He put in her path last night will help her find peace and security. My heart is absolutely broken for her, is she someone’s mother, someone’s grandma? I am hopeful that she was lost, but now is found and I was blessed to be witness to it.

Silence Speaks ...

I just got off my bike trainer in the basement after a 20mile ride.  It felt good.  So did yesterday's ride.  I don't hold the illusion that I'll bike 20 miles a day, everyday, but its a start. Just like the New Year is a new start.
We can keep on, keeping on.  Or we can start a new.  Behaviors are a rut, easy to slip back into, an they can be monstrously difficult to get out of.  That holds true for kids and their physical and emotional behaviors (so we've learned).  That holds true for older kids like me.  I've gotten away from exercising as often as I would like to.  As often as I need to.  I've gotten away from being the Clown.  You know every parent is either the Clown or the Policeman, or something like that.  I never really like the Muppet's, but sometime I feel like one of those crotchety old men that were movie critiques or something.  The fun is in there.  I need to figure out the right rut to slip back into groove.  I'll happen.  Maybe I just need to get more sleep.  Its a toss up.  Me time.  or Sleep.  Surprisingly difficult to balance in a house with 6.

Had a routine checkup today.  For nothing special, and nothing special came out of it.  That is except apparently the scale as the Doctors office is clearly faulty.   Probably about 10lbs faulty. So the time on the bike trainer will help that.  The weekend runs with the "men's group" will help that also.

I read something on just recently about the phrase "Silence Speaks Volumes".  What I read was that, usually silence is the result of having so much to say, that you can't put it all together to simply express what you are feeling.  Silence expresses emotion properly, whereas words and more words really just get in the way and cloud up the real emotions. So to that end...

Peace