Forgiveness

One of the aldermen I served with on the City Council passed away last week. He wasn't just the alderman I sat next to, he was the person that had served up one of the greatest hurts I have ever experienced in my life. See I was on the Council to serve and improve communication with the people in my ward, but after my tenure began, it quickly became about something else, my background in engineering. I was naïve and thought everyone serving on the Council was doing so to serve the public. I was by no means a politician and spoke the truth to the best of my knowledge which didn't sit well with some. The alderman that passed away said the prayer before each meeting, was a church goer and a long term well respected member of the Council. He was on the opposite side of the issue from me, but I respected his position on the matter and his passion until he crossed the line. Working with a local advocacy group, he helped stuff flyers in all the local papers accusing me of taking the position I had in the matter because I was trying to solicit work for my boss’s engineering company. I will never forget the day I had to walk into my boss’s office, the boss that had built his company through sweat and tears, whom I had told my position on the Council would not impact his company and tell him about the flyer. I had about ever emotion a person could have felt running through my body at that moment, I was furious that the group would stoop so low and resort to personal attacks when they started losing ground, I was terrified my boss would fire me for the fact his company was dragged through the mud for no good reason, I was so hurt that the person sitting right next to me, the one who prayed to God before each meeting who had pulled out a giant knife and stabbed me in the back just to push his agenda. I went home and called him, I could barely get the words out between my gasps for air as the tears poured down my face. I don’t remember much of the conversation, other than asking again and again how he could have done such a horrible thing. The jist of his response…all is fair in Love and War right? With the Council meeting looming, I needed to response publicly which was going to be a feat as I could barely get two words out before breaking into tears. But I also needed to respond to him. I prayed about it and I realized how heavy and burdensome my hurt was, that it would be an incredible load on me to carry such a depth of anger and resentment. But in order not to carry it with me, I would have to forgive the alderman that had been a part of it, which seemed like a monumental task in itself. I prayed more and before the meeting, that night, I bought a blank card from the store and wrote inside “I forgive you”. It was like a weight was lifted off my chest. Even if he never acknowledged getting the card, I had given my forgiveness to him with my heart and soul. Before the meeting, he sat down and turned to me. Tears were swelling in his eyes and he said “I didn’t think you were ever going to speak to me again, but you did more than that, you forgave me”. Driving to his wake, the hurt stirred in me again as I remembered the crushing pain of it all. Then I remembered what Jesus said, “Not seven times but seventy seven times”. I forgive you and I pray you will rest in peace.

10 Prayers God ALWAYS Answers

I was intrigued at our Adoration Chapel last night by a new book in the pew in front of me. The title was “10 Prayers God Always Answers”. I was skeptical. Of course God’s will is not our will and so many of our prayers ask for something that might not fit into God’s bigger picture for us. It was split by Chapters and the first was a prayer to know God exists. I figured I would skip that one seeing as I didn't need any convincing on that front. The next Chapter was on asking God to make you his instrument and allowing his will to be done through you by coming to the aid of someone. The chapter talked about if someone is to pray this prayer, God will immediately respond and put someone at your doorstep who is in need. It also talked about if you had any doubt that God exists as in Chapter 1, that would be erased from your mind by praying for God to use you as an instrument to help someone. I am pretty sure my thought process on this went something like: “yah right, like all I need to say is “God, use me as an instrument to help someone else” and some homeless person is going to show up on my doorstep”. A few min’s later, the next parishioner entered the chapel and my hour was up. I have a wicked cold and had accumulated a big o’ disgusting pile of Kleenex in the short span of 1 hour next to me. As there is no garbage in the chapel, I gathered them up to throw them away in the bathroom just outside the Chapel door. When I opened the door, I was shocked to see a purse and a pair of shoes next to the door, as I opened the door further, I could see the figure of a small woman asleep under a blanket on the floor. At first I thought my eyes were deceiving me. They weren't. As we found out, the woman was lost, she didn't know her name, had been wandering through the cold in worn black flats, nylons, a skirt and light coat on this frigid night. She only stood about 5’ tall and probably weighted only 90 lbs. She said she was looking for an open door and when she came into the Chapel, she went into the bathroom and collapsed from exhausting. Had the door to the chapel not been open earlier in the night, she likely would have froze to death by morning. God opened the door for her and I pray the people that He put in her path last night will help her find peace and security. My heart is absolutely broken for her, is she someone’s mother, someone’s grandma? I am hopeful that she was lost, but now is found and I was blessed to be witness to it.

Silence Speaks ...

I just got off my bike trainer in the basement after a 20mile ride.  It felt good.  So did yesterday's ride.  I don't hold the illusion that I'll bike 20 miles a day, everyday, but its a start. Just like the New Year is a new start.
We can keep on, keeping on.  Or we can start a new.  Behaviors are a rut, easy to slip back into, an they can be monstrously difficult to get out of.  That holds true for kids and their physical and emotional behaviors (so we've learned).  That holds true for older kids like me.  I've gotten away from exercising as often as I would like to.  As often as I need to.  I've gotten away from being the Clown.  You know every parent is either the Clown or the Policeman, or something like that.  I never really like the Muppet's, but sometime I feel like one of those crotchety old men that were movie critiques or something.  The fun is in there.  I need to figure out the right rut to slip back into groove.  I'll happen.  Maybe I just need to get more sleep.  Its a toss up.  Me time.  or Sleep.  Surprisingly difficult to balance in a house with 6.

Had a routine checkup today.  For nothing special, and nothing special came out of it.  That is except apparently the scale as the Doctors office is clearly faulty.   Probably about 10lbs faulty. So the time on the bike trainer will help that.  The weekend runs with the "men's group" will help that also.

I read something on just recently about the phrase "Silence Speaks Volumes".  What I read was that, usually silence is the result of having so much to say, that you can't put it all together to simply express what you are feeling.  Silence expresses emotion properly, whereas words and more words really just get in the way and cloud up the real emotions. So to that end...

Peace

We are Here. We are Here. We are Here.

(Sharing a short message I shared with a number of friends that I have the good fortune to run with on Saturdays)

First off Merry Christmas and Happy New Years to all you fine Gentleman. I'm very happy and proud to be a part of this dedicated group. And I mean dedicated as we had one of our largest turnouts this morning even though it was about 13 degrees. Thank you.

While running I was sharing a story with Dan and Dave (names changed) that I had been reflecting on the Newtown shootings.  About the violence we hear about daily downtown [in the City].  On my way to run with you guys I have to pass Planned Parenthood (twice every Saturday).   I think about the people going in, and about the people that are always outside praying.  As I was telling Dan/Dave it just seems that the pendulum has swung so far to the left in our society and I keep waiting for it to swing back a little.  I can't say I was depressed, but I was having a prolonged moment thinking about us (humanity) our role and purpose on this Earth.  I thought about how the Earth really is Satan's domain, and we are here to learn, to love, and if we accept it (him), eventually be called home when our "job" has been completed.  I thought of Lot (or was it Abraham dont recall) and how the Lord was going to destroy that city, but Lot says would you destroy it if there were 50 believers. If there were 15, if there were only 5.  And the Lord ended up saving the city.

I know the Lord hears us.  But are we saying the right things.  Are we praying for the right things. Anyway, I had this weird correlation come to mind.   It was about a scene in the cartoon movie Horton Hears a Who.  There is a scene in the end in which the Who's were going to be destroyed and Horton couldn't protect them. The Who's needed to make a loud noise (think a loud Joyful noise).  It wasn't working, they needed EVERYONE every voice to help.  To raise the message..  "We are here.. We are here... We are here"..

its my new Mantra for awhile.  In my prayers, while reflecting on today's society, about the violence that I can't make sense of, about the hurting Children that are arming themselves and hurting/killing others. I'm thinking "we are here we are here, we are here".

I know the Lord hasn't turned his back to us.  But Maybe we've stopped using our voices.  Maybe we are not loud enough.  Maybe if more Christian raised their voices, and made a Loud Joyful noise, maybe we (humanity) would be given a new direction...

Anyway.. I'm not a poet or writer so maybe I cant explain the tie between the thoughts so well.   But here is a YouTube clip of the entire scene in the moving.  If you watch it, and think about it in a Relgious Context.. Raising our voices to the Lord "We are Here"... maybe the point will be shared

Have a blessed Christmas and New Years..

Peace

Respite and a Silver Lining

Respite is defined as : to grant a temporary period of relief to. Adoptive parents in challenging parenting situations sometimes need to call upon respite care for their children. It often gives parents a life line where there are few other options. Allowing both the parents and child a chance to regroup and a break from the cycle of behavior they may be seeing. I have written before about the challenging situation we are in with three of our children at a private school and our daughter who is struggling at the public school where she is provided the support system she needs and a social/emotional class room environment that will hopefully continue her healing. At first glance, I struggled greatly with the vacation and no school day schedules that didn't line up except on National Holidays. We have been engaged with K's very challenging behaviors that have been ongoing over the past 3 weeks, leaving little of us left over for our other three kids, and what is left is usually either spent or irritable. I could see the burden piling on them as K took more and more of mom and dad's time. Last week, the 3 had half the week off of school. A month ago, T & I had debated on who would take off work to cover all the off day time. Then it struck me, as much as T&I need a break from K, the other three kids take the brunt of it and they needed a break too. Not only are they in the thick of K's behaviors, but they also get nailed on the upswing when mom and dad have little left to give them. Where is their respite? I finally saw the silver lining. The private school off days they have while their sister is at public school are a blessing. It was right under my nose! I promised myself last week that there would be NO catching up on laundry, house cleaning, internet surfing, etc etc on those days. I would use those days to engage totally and completely with the three without K's drama taking center stage. So we did, and we had boats of fun, just hanging around. And they took full advantage of just being kids....like they should be.

A Letter from a Parent..

People that know our family, know that we've built our family through International Adoption.  Its a Blessing to beyond words for us, this family we have.  As with all families, like is not always a Rose garden.  It is no different in our family.  The primary challenges we face are not exclusive to families with Internationally adopted children, or adopted or foster children.  But the are more common within that group of families.

Life is a roller coaster.  It can be fast and furious.  It can be filled with anticipation, like just before the ride starts. Or relief, like after the ride is over.  What happens inside a home, that is not seen by everyone can sometimes be very different than what outsiders get to see.

Parents and children may seem aloof (not sure I have every used that in a sentence until now).  People, friends, and groups that were seen more regularly might not be seen much.  Routine restaurants and activities might not be so routine anymore.  There can be a great many explanations behind that.  But I would like to share this letter.  It was written by many Parents of Trauma (sorta a phrase that is used in the community).  It shares things in a way that few can express, certainly better that I could have expressed.

Peace

To hell and back again

I know, I know, it has been awhile, but to be honest, it has been a rough month. As i sat back a couple of days ago trying to collect my thoughts, I realized it was Sept of 2011 when we first saw how bad things were with K in Colombia when the proverbial shit hit the fan. We find ourselves a year later seeing one horrific behavior on top of another and for me personally, feeling like we are no closer to healing than we were a year ago. T, thankfully has taken the glass half full approach, in that he and our neuro-reorg practitioner feel all this is trauma coming out and now we can help her process and heal. That sound great to me, except by glass half empty thinks we are one step away from juevi or a group home for her. In the last week alone, we have been to the police station with her (she is 5, remember) and she almost electrocuted herself to death in a fit of rage at school. She is in a therapeutic class remember. Unlike before, when her school behavior tanked, her behavior at home remained fairly steady, ah yah, not so much this time. There are considerable periods of time where she is either checked out, in a rage, or in a state of constant hyper vigilance unable to stop herself from asking question after question after question, then the lying, she will lie about the shirt color she is wearing if it suits her. So many pieces and parts, is it the fetal movements with the neuro reorg unlocking something (if it is, that is a good thing)? the EMDR therapy? The school work? The change of seasons? I have no idea, and don't even know if it matters, the boat is rocking and we are holding on for dear life.

26.2 for ... oh some many things

26.2 for clean water in Africa

26.2 for our sponsored children in Guatamala, Ethiopia, DR Congo, Colombia, our the family we sponsored in Ghana.

26.2 for friends and family dealing with Cancer and any Illness

26.2 for Grace and Mercy in my own home, that we each grow and learn from each other from the Holy Spirit that resides in each of us.

26.2 for patience and virtue

26.2 for a lasting deep and honest Peace in the World

26.2 for those in most need of our Lords mercy and healing, through the perfect intercession our of Blessed Mother.

Thats what Tri for Hope, Sacrifice with Purpose means for me as I prepare for tomorrows Marathon.

Peace

Wow!

Sometimes the reminders are good reminders

Got a good piece of advice.  Heard it before.  Lots of times before.  But sometimes, its just good to hear things again.  We're human. We forget things sometimes.  Things are not always in the forefront of conscious thought.

"Just take one moment at a time.  Then one day at a time"

Can't get to the finish by watching the finish line, else we'll trip on the obstacles in the way.

[adoption disclaimer]
this post is not adoption related or related to anything kid initiated in the house.  Its just a Ted thing, about keeping focus a little closer rather than long term.
[/adoption disclaimer]

Peace